Life can be so topsy-turvy at times, can't it? While in the process of looking for a new home I was contacted by a gentlemen who had seen an ad that I had posted for teaching music lessons. I had posted said ad several months prior and had almost forgotten about it! The caller turned out to be the owner of a music school not far from where I now live, in my beautiful, brand new home (which, hereafter will be referred to as the Slice of Heaven) and he wanted me to interview for a position as a music teacher. I was overjoyed! But how? I was working a full-time job at the group home and a part-time job as a bartender and I still had a few of my own private students to teach! I told Mr. O (the caller) that I was interested and that I would email him my resume but that I honestly just wasn't sure where the time would come from in my busy schedule.
Pan to two weeks later; my manager at the bar I was working at informs me that my one shift that I was working will no longer be mine. Panic! Moving into a new house in a few days and a quarter of my disposable income was slipping through my fingers. Ah, how foolish I am to believe that I ever had control of the situation to begin with. To make a long story short, I interviewed with Mr. O, received the position, and now teach part-time at the music school!
All of this is really just a back-story for the real story. I've received some very disconcerting news over the past few days from my full-time job at the group home. I'm unable to share specifics at this time but it does effect my finances directly - it's so funny how certain facets of my life can change and my reaction is automatically fear . . . whereas other facets could change and my automatic reaction is to trust God. Sitting in this meeting today with my fellow coworkers I was visited with a conglomeration of both feelings; first fear, then trust. The more I thought about how crazy my life is, the more I began to fear. Then, just when I couldn't take one more deep breath without quivering with overwhelming fear, the Holy Spirit whispered a thought into my mind, "He doesn't slumber, nor does He sleep, this doesn't come as a surprise to the God that you serve, because your life is in His Hands and He will make your way perfect." I cannot begin to tell you the immeasurable peace that washed over me in that moment and continues to as I am reminded of that sentiment.
Growing up, there was a song my parents used to sing. I don't remember all of the words but I do remember, "He maketh my feet like hinds feet and setteth me upon Thy high places, it is God that girdeth me with strength, it is God that girdeth me, it is God that girdeth me with strength and maketh my way perfect" (yes, very King James, I know.)
Tonight, there was yet another surprise at work. I was feeling a bit low coming onto my shift and then received news that one of my favorite kids would be leaving this evening, very unexpectedly. My heart, which had been through some trials this morning, was completely broken. How up and down could my day get? I said my goodbyes through teary eyes and prayed for him . . . and ultimately had to leave it at the feet of my Jesus . . . because what else can I do with such a situation?
My evening just wasn't the same after that; I'm an emotional sap and when things like this happen unexpectedly it throws me completely off-guard. It was in this sadness that I sat, thinking about the predicaments of the day; financial issues, ideals shattered, disheartened, discouraged, and just ready to call it a night - then my housemate text me. It was simple, a brief note to tell me that there was dinner and wine waiting for me when I got home tonight and a wish that I would have a good night. Gratitude washed over me because in that moment I was reminded that He sees the big, the small, and everything in between and continues to show me that I am cared for. I texted her back my thanks and sat and pondered how I could ever deserve the things that my Faithful God has chosen to give to a fairly unfaithful servant. How thankful I am that we could never earn or deserve the Love of God - that it's free - because certainly, I never could.
So, I encourage you, take a moment to reflect on your day. If your life has recently been more like sailing through a hurricane in deep waters than a smooth cruise, be lifted up, because you are not alone in that boat my friend. Furthermore, you serve the God who can speak to the storm and calm the waters of life. You can trust Him, I promise. Smile.
Loving life, dedicated to Christ, newlywed, foodie, social worker, and so much more! I write about the things that spice up life.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Windshield Defroster
God is the greatest comedian of my life - allow me to tell you my story.
My brother's first car was a 1986 Red Camaro - a year older than me (which of course I pointed out to my big brother, smile.) He loved it, paid for it cash, and drove it with pride - it had a few cosmetic issues, but nothing major. I, as his little sister, would tag along whenever he would allow it. The car was great! Except for one thing - the defroster really didn't work. I still remember the comical look of him driving in the rain and us wiping down the inside of the windshiled with our sweatshirt sleeves. Visibility in that car was . . . low at best.
Pan about 4 years later, I was at Southeastern University, my third year, driving a little white Acura Integra (which was my car untill a few months ago!) I remember driving in many a rain storm in that car, the defroster worked great! Except . . . you had to have it on full blast for it to completely clear the windshield and it had to be on the AC setting . . . it was enough to give you a cold. Visibility in that car was ok, given you were ok with being frozen through.
Today, I was driving in my car (which is new, it's an Infiniti) - it was drizzling out and the smallest cloud of fog developed on the lower part of my windshield. It really wasn't enough to ruin my vision or anything it was just enough to notice. I turned on the defroster and immediately the small little puff of fog was gone from my windshield. Just like that! It's crazy because before I put on the defroster I thought, "wow, it's really not that bad, I probably don't even need to put on the defroster, I can see fine" and then when I put on the defroster, I noticed how clearly I could see and how blurry it really was before. Visibility was excellent.
God gave me this while I was driving - how many times in my life have I not been able to see the end result of what God had planned for me? How many times have there been changes or road blocks and I just couldn't see His Hand in it. Or when there have been small, seemingly insignificant shifts in my life and they have changed things forever? All I can say is to trust His vision - no matter what your own visibility is - low, ok, or excellent, because ultimately, He is the One who sees all and has your future in His capable Hands.
I'm there right now - as I have mentioned - the winds of change are blowing hard, just hard enough for my vision to be blurred. Things are not completely in my control (not that they ever really are) and it's uncomfortable. So today, take a moment to allow yourself to find a Jesus moment . . . He's always there, waiting for you to recognize Him.
My brother's first car was a 1986 Red Camaro - a year older than me (which of course I pointed out to my big brother, smile.) He loved it, paid for it cash, and drove it with pride - it had a few cosmetic issues, but nothing major. I, as his little sister, would tag along whenever he would allow it. The car was great! Except for one thing - the defroster really didn't work. I still remember the comical look of him driving in the rain and us wiping down the inside of the windshiled with our sweatshirt sleeves. Visibility in that car was . . . low at best.
Pan about 4 years later, I was at Southeastern University, my third year, driving a little white Acura Integra (which was my car untill a few months ago!) I remember driving in many a rain storm in that car, the defroster worked great! Except . . . you had to have it on full blast for it to completely clear the windshield and it had to be on the AC setting . . . it was enough to give you a cold. Visibility in that car was ok, given you were ok with being frozen through.
Today, I was driving in my car (which is new, it's an Infiniti) - it was drizzling out and the smallest cloud of fog developed on the lower part of my windshield. It really wasn't enough to ruin my vision or anything it was just enough to notice. I turned on the defroster and immediately the small little puff of fog was gone from my windshield. Just like that! It's crazy because before I put on the defroster I thought, "wow, it's really not that bad, I probably don't even need to put on the defroster, I can see fine" and then when I put on the defroster, I noticed how clearly I could see and how blurry it really was before. Visibility was excellent.
God gave me this while I was driving - how many times in my life have I not been able to see the end result of what God had planned for me? How many times have there been changes or road blocks and I just couldn't see His Hand in it. Or when there have been small, seemingly insignificant shifts in my life and they have changed things forever? All I can say is to trust His vision - no matter what your own visibility is - low, ok, or excellent, because ultimately, He is the One who sees all and has your future in His capable Hands.
I'm there right now - as I have mentioned - the winds of change are blowing hard, just hard enough for my vision to be blurred. Things are not completely in my control (not that they ever really are) and it's uncomfortable. So today, take a moment to allow yourself to find a Jesus moment . . . He's always there, waiting for you to recognize Him.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
The winds of change
The winds of change are indeed blowing! About four weeks ago on facebook I posted this as my status and it had various meanings as I was contemplating several life changes. First, my idea to move out, to a one bedroom apartment where I would be room-mateless (which I so wanted!) Second, to quit my day job as a secretary at the lutheran church I work at (the fifteen hours a week didn't seem like much on paper, but added to my 40+ hour work week at the ranch, my private music students, and bartending it was all just too much!) And thirdly, the idea to pursue my Master's Degree.
Ah, so many changes! The seasons change and like it, so do I. Well, first things first, as of October 1st I need to be out of my house; two of my housemates are moving out and the owner wants to renovate it into a 1-family rental instead of a share house. Thus, I have been apartment housing (stalking craigslist, etc.) like it's my full-time job (which, I have been doing at my part-time job!) It seems that to find a great apartment is as daunting of a task as finding a great man; all the good ones seem to be taken leaving one with whatever's left - usually scruffy, dingy, dusty, or just dank. I have three leads this weekend so please pray for me! I have unique needs as I have the three cats that I rescued two years ago and I would really rather be in an apartment than in a shared house.
Secondly, I put my two-weeks notice in at my part-time job about three weeks ago. The pastor accepted it (reluctantly) and asked that I stay untill he return from vacation . . . which he will next Wednesday. HUMPH! So, I will be working four weeks after my two-weeks notice was given but that's ok, extra rent $$$$$. I have enjoyed working at the church and wouldn't leave except for I need some down time for my own sanity, it's so necessary. I want my life back and I think this is a step in the right direction.
Thirdly, my Master's Degree will be in Social Work; I am looking to go to a local university that has an excellent program in the field and I have had several coworkers go through it and rave about it. My intention is to apply for the Fall 2012 school year - stay tuned!
Lastly, I joined a gym! Woohooo! While I have always been into athletics I've never been much of a gym person. I enjoy working out . . . if it's not for the sole purpose of working out (hence the beach, sports, marathons for charity, etc.) But after trying to run outdoors in the heat waves that we've had this past summer I decided that it was time, time to, gasp, join the dreaded g-word. Except! I LOVE MY GYM! I joined the local Planet Fitness for a whopping $10.00 a month and I LOVE IT! I don't currently go as much as I would like to as my 70 hour work week prohibits anything extra-curricular, but by the end of next week, I will be back to a normal, healthy, 45 hour work week and the gym will be more frequent!
I know I already said lastly and in continuing I sound like a pentacostal pastor (you know the type, that consistantly says, "in closing," which means you have another twenty minutes of the message minimum) but hey! I have my degree in theology and am pentacostal, so for this once, I will allow it (no offense to any pentacostal pastors out there, I say this completely in love!) I am so thankful for the people God has placed in my life recently. I have a new friend at work who has come to us by way of volunteering for the summer and has up and decided to move out here and work at the ranch full-time! I love her dearly, she provides the iron-sharpens-iron Christ-like relationship that I've been needing in my life and . . . well I could go on and on but I won't!
So with all of this change and gratitude, let me just say - if you're unhappy with your life, do something to change it! Ask God for guidance! And to quote a phrase that my mother frequently uses from scripture, "You have not because you ask not." I mean really, if we cannot go before the throne room of God to make our requests, who can we ask? Precisely my point. Enjoy your day, your holiday weekend, and your life - enjoy it now because it slips through your fingers as quickly as water . . . as quickly as the seasons change. *smile*
Ah, so many changes! The seasons change and like it, so do I. Well, first things first, as of October 1st I need to be out of my house; two of my housemates are moving out and the owner wants to renovate it into a 1-family rental instead of a share house. Thus, I have been apartment housing (stalking craigslist, etc.) like it's my full-time job (which, I have been doing at my part-time job!) It seems that to find a great apartment is as daunting of a task as finding a great man; all the good ones seem to be taken leaving one with whatever's left - usually scruffy, dingy, dusty, or just dank. I have three leads this weekend so please pray for me! I have unique needs as I have the three cats that I rescued two years ago and I would really rather be in an apartment than in a shared house.
Secondly, I put my two-weeks notice in at my part-time job about three weeks ago. The pastor accepted it (reluctantly) and asked that I stay untill he return from vacation . . . which he will next Wednesday. HUMPH! So, I will be working four weeks after my two-weeks notice was given but that's ok, extra rent $$$$$. I have enjoyed working at the church and wouldn't leave except for I need some down time for my own sanity, it's so necessary. I want my life back and I think this is a step in the right direction.
Thirdly, my Master's Degree will be in Social Work; I am looking to go to a local university that has an excellent program in the field and I have had several coworkers go through it and rave about it. My intention is to apply for the Fall 2012 school year - stay tuned!
Lastly, I joined a gym! Woohooo! While I have always been into athletics I've never been much of a gym person. I enjoy working out . . . if it's not for the sole purpose of working out (hence the beach, sports, marathons for charity, etc.) But after trying to run outdoors in the heat waves that we've had this past summer I decided that it was time, time to, gasp, join the dreaded g-word. Except! I LOVE MY GYM! I joined the local Planet Fitness for a whopping $10.00 a month and I LOVE IT! I don't currently go as much as I would like to as my 70 hour work week prohibits anything extra-curricular, but by the end of next week, I will be back to a normal, healthy, 45 hour work week and the gym will be more frequent!
I know I already said lastly and in continuing I sound like a pentacostal pastor (you know the type, that consistantly says, "in closing," which means you have another twenty minutes of the message minimum) but hey! I have my degree in theology and am pentacostal, so for this once, I will allow it (no offense to any pentacostal pastors out there, I say this completely in love!) I am so thankful for the people God has placed in my life recently. I have a new friend at work who has come to us by way of volunteering for the summer and has up and decided to move out here and work at the ranch full-time! I love her dearly, she provides the iron-sharpens-iron Christ-like relationship that I've been needing in my life and . . . well I could go on and on but I won't!
So with all of this change and gratitude, let me just say - if you're unhappy with your life, do something to change it! Ask God for guidance! And to quote a phrase that my mother frequently uses from scripture, "You have not because you ask not." I mean really, if we cannot go before the throne room of God to make our requests, who can we ask? Precisely my point. Enjoy your day, your holiday weekend, and your life - enjoy it now because it slips through your fingers as quickly as water . . . as quickly as the seasons change. *smile*
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Love me or leave me alone
This post inspired by a dear friend from my days at college. I will never cease to be amazed by how God works and weaves people so intricately. While milling through the random facebook status' I saw a update from this particular friend (Andre Henry, if you don't know him, you're missing out) with a link to one of his new songs. (click the link, download the song, tell others about it - this is what art is: http://andrehenrymusic.bandcamp.com/track/love-me-or-leave-me-alone?autoplay=true
)
I digress. If you know me you know that my mind bounces between two topics at all times; Jesus and love. The two are typically intertwined (in fact I'm not sure I can think of them separately anymore.) At the ripe old age of 24, reflecting on love is different than it ever has been before. Looking at relationships, examining, disecting (tragically,) and ultimately covering them in prayer has become commonplace. I use the word "relationships" allot but in this particular avenue I mean romantic relationships and for this one post, I will be as honest as I can with you . . . ready?
In the past I have been rather callous about romantic love - in any other facet of life I love freely and unconditionally but when it comes to the kind of love you offer someone you're seriously dating, I'm guarded. I believe it's a culmination of my history with men (which I have never completely let my walls down with any one man) and the fact that I really only want to give my heart entirely to one human person; the one I marry.
With this sentiment in mind, dating becomes a jungle-gym of obstacles. I believe in dating, I think it's an important component in figuring out what you want in the person you're going to spend forever with. This list is edited daily in my mind as both incredibly Godly examples are conveyed and some really horrible examples present themselves, "Yes, I definitely want that trait in my man!" or "Lord, please don't let my future spouse ever even consider such things!" So on this playground of feelings, emotions, and covenants made long ago between me and my Creator - where do I stand?
The song above states it the best, love me or leave me alone. At this particular juncture in my life I'm not even sure that it's healthy to entertain anything less. Please note: this is not a declaration that I have found anyone that I want to share such serious feelings with but a brief moment where I am comfortable being as a honest as I can about the topic. For this once I have allowed my heart to speak without my head intervening or editing because my head lives in the land of, "you're 24, have fun while you can like everyone says you should, because marriage is forever." My gut lies somewhere inbetween the two - between wanting forever with someone now and realizing I may not be ready for that, between wanting to be loved and wanting to be left alone and learning to accept being torn between the two. I have lived the lyrics of this song in the past - I used to know exactly what I wanted and now I'm not so sure, there I said it . . . and so, the journey continues.
)
I digress. If you know me you know that my mind bounces between two topics at all times; Jesus and love. The two are typically intertwined (in fact I'm not sure I can think of them separately anymore.) At the ripe old age of 24, reflecting on love is different than it ever has been before. Looking at relationships, examining, disecting (tragically,) and ultimately covering them in prayer has become commonplace. I use the word "relationships" allot but in this particular avenue I mean romantic relationships and for this one post, I will be as honest as I can with you . . . ready?
In the past I have been rather callous about romantic love - in any other facet of life I love freely and unconditionally but when it comes to the kind of love you offer someone you're seriously dating, I'm guarded. I believe it's a culmination of my history with men (which I have never completely let my walls down with any one man) and the fact that I really only want to give my heart entirely to one human person; the one I marry.
With this sentiment in mind, dating becomes a jungle-gym of obstacles. I believe in dating, I think it's an important component in figuring out what you want in the person you're going to spend forever with. This list is edited daily in my mind as both incredibly Godly examples are conveyed and some really horrible examples present themselves, "Yes, I definitely want that trait in my man!" or "Lord, please don't let my future spouse ever even consider such things!" So on this playground of feelings, emotions, and covenants made long ago between me and my Creator - where do I stand?
The song above states it the best, love me or leave me alone. At this particular juncture in my life I'm not even sure that it's healthy to entertain anything less. Please note: this is not a declaration that I have found anyone that I want to share such serious feelings with but a brief moment where I am comfortable being as a honest as I can about the topic. For this once I have allowed my heart to speak without my head intervening or editing because my head lives in the land of, "you're 24, have fun while you can like everyone says you should, because marriage is forever." My gut lies somewhere inbetween the two - between wanting forever with someone now and realizing I may not be ready for that, between wanting to be loved and wanting to be left alone and learning to accept being torn between the two. I have lived the lyrics of this song in the past - I used to know exactly what I wanted and now I'm not so sure, there I said it . . . and so, the journey continues.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Some Enchanted Evening . . .
Have you ever wondered who first decided that a week should begin on Sunday? I have always lived my life as Monday as the first day of the week but for all intensive purposes, at least for this post, we will begin the week as Sunday.
This Sunday had special meaning to me. Sunday, July 31st, 2011 is the 13th anniversary of my grandmother's death. Mind you, I have two grandmothers, one living, and one only alive in heaven - the one who is still on this earth I am not especially close to. My dearly departed grandmother, Carol, was my maternal grandmother (my mother's mother) and we always called her Grandma (my other grandmother we refer to as "Nana.") I have met allot of people in my time and aside from my mother, my grandmother is hands down the most fascinating and extraordinary person I have ever had the privilege of knowing. Her passing left a giant void in my life and an irreplacable hole in my heart; I miss her every time I think about her - she's the only person who's ever died that it actually physically hurts to remember.
That being said, in this post I choose to remember the wonderful and not the painful. Grandma and Papa (her husband who is still alive) were and still are my heroes; they had a marriage that survives outside of time and space and this is their story.
Grandma was from Brooklyn, NY and her family (back in the 50's) lived in one of "the old neighborhood(s)" as she would call it. Everybody knew everybody; kids played stick ball in the street and were summoned in for dinner from the windows of their apartment buildings as their mothers would stick their heads out. Grandma always spoke of Brooklyn fondly and very much called it home. Grandma came from a long line of fisherman and in the summer months her whole family (her parents, brother, and sister) would pack up and go out to the hamptons for the summer. Mind you, this was before the hamptons were glitzy and only for the rich and famous.
Papa is from Eastern Long Island (where I currently live) and his family raised him out here. Papa also came from a long line of fishermen and being an island boy, he spent most of his days at the beach. Ah the roaring 50's, a time where swing dancing was very much still alive.
My grandparents met one summer that my grandmother came out to the hamptons. Grandma had decided to join a few of her friends in a night out at a local swing dance club. Papa had similarly decided to go to this club, which is now called "The Beach Bar" and exists to this day. Grandma had filled out her dance card almost completely (yes, back then there were dance cards!) when she decided to take a break and rest against the wall. While she rested against the wall, she was people watching when suddenly, across the dance floor, she saw Papa. Their eyes met, it was fate, and from that moment they knew it would be forever (these are their words and their story, hollywood could do it no better.) My grandfather, never being short of courage, asked my grandmother to dance and from that point on she danced with noone else. They frequented many other places that summer but for as far back as I remember my grandparents always cited that first night as "the night" they would never forget.
For those of you who have seen South Pacific, there is a song called, "Some Enchanted Evening." My grandparents both claim that song as their song because it really is the story of how they met, "some enchanted evening, you may see a stranger, across a crowded room" and they followed the song's advice, to never let eachother go. How romantic is that?
Now mind you, their marriage had its ups and downs (some very high ups and some very dismal downs) but no matter what, they never forgot what brought them together. That story carried them through when my grandfather was shipped off in the Navy. It continued on their anniversary in Hawaii where they had special pearl divers make them four beautiful individual jewelry pieces that my brother and I inherited (two pieces for me and two pieces for Johnny's future wife.)
You see, my grandmother was allot of things and one of them was thoughtful! She knew that she may not be around to meet my older brother's future spouse or my own but she prayed for them, every day. She also set aside special heirlooms for them so that even if they couldn't meet her, they would have something to link them to our family and especially to her. When I get married, my husband will have Papa's wedding ring and when Johnny gets married his wife will have Grandma's wedding ring.
I pray that I grow up to be even half the amazing woman that my grandmother was in her short 59 years of life. She left her mark on this earth and touched everyone that she ever met. Tonight I leave you with the lyrics to their song; the story of their meeting . . . but the story of their life together lives on in me. I hope to one day experience what they felt for myself in my own incredible romantic story. Untill then . . .
"Some enchanted evening
You may see a stranger,
you may see a stranger
Across a crowded room
And somehow you know,
You know even then
That somewhere you'll see her
Again and again.
Some enchanted evening
Someone may be laughin',
You may hear her laughin'
Across a crowded room
And night after night,
As strange as it seems
The sound of her laughter
Will sing in your dreams.
Who can explain it?
Who can tell you why?
Fools give you reasons,
Wise men never try.
Some enchanted evening
When you find your true love,
When you feel her call you
Across a crowded room,
Then fly to her side,
And make her your own
For all through your life you
May dream all alone.
Once you have found her,
Never let her go.
Once you have found her,
Never let her go!"
This Sunday had special meaning to me. Sunday, July 31st, 2011 is the 13th anniversary of my grandmother's death. Mind you, I have two grandmothers, one living, and one only alive in heaven - the one who is still on this earth I am not especially close to. My dearly departed grandmother, Carol, was my maternal grandmother (my mother's mother) and we always called her Grandma (my other grandmother we refer to as "Nana.") I have met allot of people in my time and aside from my mother, my grandmother is hands down the most fascinating and extraordinary person I have ever had the privilege of knowing. Her passing left a giant void in my life and an irreplacable hole in my heart; I miss her every time I think about her - she's the only person who's ever died that it actually physically hurts to remember.
That being said, in this post I choose to remember the wonderful and not the painful. Grandma and Papa (her husband who is still alive) were and still are my heroes; they had a marriage that survives outside of time and space and this is their story.
Grandma was from Brooklyn, NY and her family (back in the 50's) lived in one of "the old neighborhood(s)" as she would call it. Everybody knew everybody; kids played stick ball in the street and were summoned in for dinner from the windows of their apartment buildings as their mothers would stick their heads out. Grandma always spoke of Brooklyn fondly and very much called it home. Grandma came from a long line of fisherman and in the summer months her whole family (her parents, brother, and sister) would pack up and go out to the hamptons for the summer. Mind you, this was before the hamptons were glitzy and only for the rich and famous.
Papa is from Eastern Long Island (where I currently live) and his family raised him out here. Papa also came from a long line of fishermen and being an island boy, he spent most of his days at the beach. Ah the roaring 50's, a time where swing dancing was very much still alive.
My grandparents met one summer that my grandmother came out to the hamptons. Grandma had decided to join a few of her friends in a night out at a local swing dance club. Papa had similarly decided to go to this club, which is now called "The Beach Bar" and exists to this day. Grandma had filled out her dance card almost completely (yes, back then there were dance cards!) when she decided to take a break and rest against the wall. While she rested against the wall, she was people watching when suddenly, across the dance floor, she saw Papa. Their eyes met, it was fate, and from that moment they knew it would be forever (these are their words and their story, hollywood could do it no better.) My grandfather, never being short of courage, asked my grandmother to dance and from that point on she danced with noone else. They frequented many other places that summer but for as far back as I remember my grandparents always cited that first night as "the night" they would never forget.
For those of you who have seen South Pacific, there is a song called, "Some Enchanted Evening." My grandparents both claim that song as their song because it really is the story of how they met, "some enchanted evening, you may see a stranger, across a crowded room" and they followed the song's advice, to never let eachother go. How romantic is that?
Now mind you, their marriage had its ups and downs (some very high ups and some very dismal downs) but no matter what, they never forgot what brought them together. That story carried them through when my grandfather was shipped off in the Navy. It continued on their anniversary in Hawaii where they had special pearl divers make them four beautiful individual jewelry pieces that my brother and I inherited (two pieces for me and two pieces for Johnny's future wife.)
You see, my grandmother was allot of things and one of them was thoughtful! She knew that she may not be around to meet my older brother's future spouse or my own but she prayed for them, every day. She also set aside special heirlooms for them so that even if they couldn't meet her, they would have something to link them to our family and especially to her. When I get married, my husband will have Papa's wedding ring and when Johnny gets married his wife will have Grandma's wedding ring.
I pray that I grow up to be even half the amazing woman that my grandmother was in her short 59 years of life. She left her mark on this earth and touched everyone that she ever met. Tonight I leave you with the lyrics to their song; the story of their meeting . . . but the story of their life together lives on in me. I hope to one day experience what they felt for myself in my own incredible romantic story. Untill then . . .
"Some enchanted evening
You may see a stranger,
you may see a stranger
Across a crowded room
And somehow you know,
You know even then
That somewhere you'll see her
Again and again.
Some enchanted evening
Someone may be laughin',
You may hear her laughin'
Across a crowded room
And night after night,
As strange as it seems
The sound of her laughter
Will sing in your dreams.
Who can explain it?
Who can tell you why?
Fools give you reasons,
Wise men never try.
Some enchanted evening
When you find your true love,
When you feel her call you
Across a crowded room,
Then fly to her side,
And make her your own
For all through your life you
May dream all alone.
Once you have found her,
Never let her go.
Once you have found her,
Never let her go!"
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Failure - The Pit of Despair
Today's post brought to you by one of the most discouraging moments I have experienced yet at my job. I am hoping that while writing this I will be able to share and learn from a teachable moment. Let's start from the very beginning (a very good place to start, if you ask Julie Andrews. Smile.)
Yesterday, I had the pleasure of doing something I rarely ever get to do anymore; spend some one-on-one time with one of my favorite kids. I'm not sure when it happened but at some point I became friends with this boy, to the point where I no longer thought of him as, well, "just one of the boys" (of whom I take care of at my job.) Smile. Anyway, he asked to spend some time with me (how sweet is that?) and we set up a time. We had a fabulous night! It's so rare that I can spend time with him and I relished every moment. Each moment, except for, the ones that included him telling me something that made my stomach turn. I will leave out the gory details but suffice it to say, I knew as soon as he told me this horrible fact (that he stated so cavalierly) that I needed to do or say something.
So I prayed about it all day today and finally came to terms with what I had to do. The outcome now is haunting me; the several "what if's" or "this might happen" are flooding through my mind. Many consequences may come out of this, some of them may effect him depending on which variation of "what if" one decides on.
My heart is saddened on two counts; 1) this child may be effected incredibly negatively 2) I have failed.
Failure - ugh. I work in the capacity and ministry that I am in because of one thing; I believe that God has sent me here to make a difference in these boys lives. After hearing the story that this child told me it made me question and severely doubt my ability to make a difference at all. The main question being, "if a boy who has been under my care for several months now is capable of doing such a sick, evil thing, how am I making any difference at all?" Questions flooded my mind, fear filled my heart, and sadness washed over my entire body like a wave during a catagory five hurricane.
I have failed in so many ways in my life. Being somewhat of a perfectionist (yes, I just admitted that and now it is documented! Smile.) I do not accept failure as an option. In school I would withdraw from a class if I felt that I couldn't pass it. In life I will bend and twist and stretch to make sure that EVERYTHING works and all that I have committed to gets accomplished; with excellence. Failure is not an option in my mind, it never has been.
But then . . . the quote from a very wise professor at Southeastern University, Dr. Gerry White, popped into my head just now (bless her!) While teaching my Biblical Hermeneutics class (by far, the most difficult class I have EVER taken!) she told the disheartened class, "The only failure in life is the failure to try." I liked that so much I wrote it down, right then and there in that classroom, and it is on my facebook as we speak. I have kept this quote in the forefront of my mind and I can say with confidence that my failure, by such standards, is not failure at all.
I'm so thankful for those that God has put in my life. You see, my standard of failure is based on one theory alone; I am here to make a difference in these boys lives - if they behave this way what difference have I made at all? About ten minutes into writing this post I received a txt message from one of my boys and then about five minutes later a phone call from another boy, who used to be a resident here. The txt message read something to the effect of, "you can help some and some you can't, it's okay, that's how life is, you can't change everyone's life." Such wisdom from a 16 year old! And I'M supposed to mentoring HIM you say?
The phone call was super encouraging and came just at the right time; this boy continuously told me about how having me in his life has changed him. Isn't it funny how God works? Just when you feel at your lowest, in "the pit of despair" as it were, He sends others to encourage you.
So I want to encourage you, to learn from my blunders; if you feel that you have failed try and find what you can learn from the mistake and try to find the good. It's sometimes helpful to share it with someone else that they may provide insight and maybe point out the good that you are blinded to. Surely nothing in our life is wasted, no moment, no event, or account - it is all in the book of our lives so you may as well live the best story you can!
Thank you for reading along and learning with me, this one was super lengthy! Smile.
Yesterday, I had the pleasure of doing something I rarely ever get to do anymore; spend some one-on-one time with one of my favorite kids. I'm not sure when it happened but at some point I became friends with this boy, to the point where I no longer thought of him as, well, "just one of the boys" (of whom I take care of at my job.) Smile. Anyway, he asked to spend some time with me (how sweet is that?) and we set up a time. We had a fabulous night! It's so rare that I can spend time with him and I relished every moment. Each moment, except for, the ones that included him telling me something that made my stomach turn. I will leave out the gory details but suffice it to say, I knew as soon as he told me this horrible fact (that he stated so cavalierly) that I needed to do or say something.
So I prayed about it all day today and finally came to terms with what I had to do. The outcome now is haunting me; the several "what if's" or "this might happen" are flooding through my mind. Many consequences may come out of this, some of them may effect him depending on which variation of "what if" one decides on.
My heart is saddened on two counts; 1) this child may be effected incredibly negatively 2) I have failed.
Failure - ugh. I work in the capacity and ministry that I am in because of one thing; I believe that God has sent me here to make a difference in these boys lives. After hearing the story that this child told me it made me question and severely doubt my ability to make a difference at all. The main question being, "if a boy who has been under my care for several months now is capable of doing such a sick, evil thing, how am I making any difference at all?" Questions flooded my mind, fear filled my heart, and sadness washed over my entire body like a wave during a catagory five hurricane.
I have failed in so many ways in my life. Being somewhat of a perfectionist (yes, I just admitted that and now it is documented! Smile.) I do not accept failure as an option. In school I would withdraw from a class if I felt that I couldn't pass it. In life I will bend and twist and stretch to make sure that EVERYTHING works and all that I have committed to gets accomplished; with excellence. Failure is not an option in my mind, it never has been.
But then . . . the quote from a very wise professor at Southeastern University, Dr. Gerry White, popped into my head just now (bless her!) While teaching my Biblical Hermeneutics class (by far, the most difficult class I have EVER taken!) she told the disheartened class, "The only failure in life is the failure to try." I liked that so much I wrote it down, right then and there in that classroom, and it is on my facebook as we speak. I have kept this quote in the forefront of my mind and I can say with confidence that my failure, by such standards, is not failure at all.
I'm so thankful for those that God has put in my life. You see, my standard of failure is based on one theory alone; I am here to make a difference in these boys lives - if they behave this way what difference have I made at all? About ten minutes into writing this post I received a txt message from one of my boys and then about five minutes later a phone call from another boy, who used to be a resident here. The txt message read something to the effect of, "you can help some and some you can't, it's okay, that's how life is, you can't change everyone's life." Such wisdom from a 16 year old! And I'M supposed to mentoring HIM you say?
The phone call was super encouraging and came just at the right time; this boy continuously told me about how having me in his life has changed him. Isn't it funny how God works? Just when you feel at your lowest, in "the pit of despair" as it were, He sends others to encourage you.
So I want to encourage you, to learn from my blunders; if you feel that you have failed try and find what you can learn from the mistake and try to find the good. It's sometimes helpful to share it with someone else that they may provide insight and maybe point out the good that you are blinded to. Surely nothing in our life is wasted, no moment, no event, or account - it is all in the book of our lives so you may as well live the best story you can!
Thank you for reading along and learning with me, this one was super lengthy! Smile.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Our God Is Faithful
I am amazed at the faithfulness of our God. His Love is unfailing and never-ending, His Patience endures, and each and every time I fall short, He is there to catch me.
It seems that change is all around me - I read allot of books but it seems like the story of my own life is more eventful at times than the characters in the books. Isn't that funny? To be living your own adventure. To mention a few things, my mom and little brother are in Turkey for the next four weeks (they left two weeks ago,) one of my best and closest friends just moved to Manhattan, my two housemates will be moving out soon, my schedule at work is (hopefully and prayerfully) going to be changing to something more steadying for my life, and it seems that everyone I know is getting married. :-) Ah! So much! In the book of my life each would probably have a chapter and the previous sentence would be an index at best. Amidst all of this, the anniversary of my grandmother's passing is coming up and she is at the forefront of most of my thoughts these days.
Through all of this, I am amazed at how steadying God is. Sometimes the winds of life aren't always a storm that knocks you over, sometimes they just blow enough that you have to steady yourself. I am so thankful for my God that is my steadying force - that He prevails throughout all of the changes. :-)
I have been taking some time for myself more frequently recently, mostly in response to all of the new changes in my life. As in love as I am with my job, it is a ministry, and for those of us who have been there or are currently in ministry, you know what I mean - sometimes you just have to get away. My pastors in Florida (Pastor Frank and Sheri Hawley for those of you blessed enough to know them) taught me when I was a part of their college ministry team that it was necessary to take some time away. How can a vessel who is empty continue to give of itself? It can't. So in accordance with that, I've been taking my days off and running with a vengeance - this means no phone calls from work (either job) or from students, no major plans made; these are my two days to just be. Typically I go to the beach (my sanctuary) but this week I found myself in the most unthought of spots; cleaning my own house! . . . Yes, for those of you who know me, I can see your mouths gaping, and to quote Miss Mary Poppins, "Close your mouth Michael, we are not a cod fish."
Yes, I took my days to clean my home (which it really did need a very good, thorough cleaning.) My schedule lately has not been profitable for me to do anything more in my home than some light work (empty/load the dishwasher,) remove my make-up, and collapse into bed. It was probably in the moment of me scrubbing my tub that I remembered yet another lesson taught by the great Pastors Frank and Sheri - whether you're scrubbing a toilet or preaching from the pulpit, you're doing ministry and consider it as such. Have I mentioned how thankful I am for those two? I am so. :-)
So there I am, elbow-deep in scrubbing bubbles, enjoying myself thoroughly - I'm sorry, but I just couldn't help but laugh! My Creator, who knows my inner-most parts, knew what I needed in that moment. It's crazy because I spend an endless amount of time telling Him what I want and asking for what I would like to happen . . . and He knows. I can't help but smile even now as I write this, that my God is that intimate, that He can share a laugh with me, like a friend, over my own silliness.
More on His Faithfulness to come. Find your own funny-bone with God today, it really does make life so much more enjoyable.
It seems that change is all around me - I read allot of books but it seems like the story of my own life is more eventful at times than the characters in the books. Isn't that funny? To be living your own adventure. To mention a few things, my mom and little brother are in Turkey for the next four weeks (they left two weeks ago,) one of my best and closest friends just moved to Manhattan, my two housemates will be moving out soon, my schedule at work is (hopefully and prayerfully) going to be changing to something more steadying for my life, and it seems that everyone I know is getting married. :-) Ah! So much! In the book of my life each would probably have a chapter and the previous sentence would be an index at best. Amidst all of this, the anniversary of my grandmother's passing is coming up and she is at the forefront of most of my thoughts these days.
Through all of this, I am amazed at how steadying God is. Sometimes the winds of life aren't always a storm that knocks you over, sometimes they just blow enough that you have to steady yourself. I am so thankful for my God that is my steadying force - that He prevails throughout all of the changes. :-)
I have been taking some time for myself more frequently recently, mostly in response to all of the new changes in my life. As in love as I am with my job, it is a ministry, and for those of us who have been there or are currently in ministry, you know what I mean - sometimes you just have to get away. My pastors in Florida (Pastor Frank and Sheri Hawley for those of you blessed enough to know them) taught me when I was a part of their college ministry team that it was necessary to take some time away. How can a vessel who is empty continue to give of itself? It can't. So in accordance with that, I've been taking my days off and running with a vengeance - this means no phone calls from work (either job) or from students, no major plans made; these are my two days to just be. Typically I go to the beach (my sanctuary) but this week I found myself in the most unthought of spots; cleaning my own house! . . . Yes, for those of you who know me, I can see your mouths gaping, and to quote Miss Mary Poppins, "Close your mouth Michael, we are not a cod fish."
Yes, I took my days to clean my home (which it really did need a very good, thorough cleaning.) My schedule lately has not been profitable for me to do anything more in my home than some light work (empty/load the dishwasher,) remove my make-up, and collapse into bed. It was probably in the moment of me scrubbing my tub that I remembered yet another lesson taught by the great Pastors Frank and Sheri - whether you're scrubbing a toilet or preaching from the pulpit, you're doing ministry and consider it as such. Have I mentioned how thankful I am for those two? I am so. :-)
So there I am, elbow-deep in scrubbing bubbles, enjoying myself thoroughly - I'm sorry, but I just couldn't help but laugh! My Creator, who knows my inner-most parts, knew what I needed in that moment. It's crazy because I spend an endless amount of time telling Him what I want and asking for what I would like to happen . . . and He knows. I can't help but smile even now as I write this, that my God is that intimate, that He can share a laugh with me, like a friend, over my own silliness.
More on His Faithfulness to come. Find your own funny-bone with God today, it really does make life so much more enjoyable.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Challenged
So, I'd like this post to be an outlet for me to be completely honest. I have been seriously slipping in my devotional life the past few months (yes, months, I'm sad to say!) I know, all of my loving Christian friends out there will come back with the re-assuring, "it's easy to do!" but the fact of the matter is, no matter what light you paint it in . . . I've been wrong.
The Bible says that the world will know that we are Christ's followers by our love; it also mentions us bearing Christ's fruit. Let me just say, that the past few weeks or so, I have not been holding up my end of that bargain. I've been easily irritable, frustrated, lacking in patience, and just tired in general. It took me to get to this point to realize that of course I'm feeling this way, when I've allowed my compass to shift.
At work, things have been super challenging. I have been disappointed by the behaviors that I see on a daily basis and it's disheartening; I can't help but think that my own attitudes are simply not helping. So what does one do when things get to this point? Aside from ask for forgiveness and commit to bringing back the focus of Christ on a daily basis.
It's summer here and summer on Long Island means hot, humid, and often just muggy. In summer time, it's so easy for me to remember to drink lots of water because, well, it's hot! It's in the cooler months of winter that I find myself slipping because, well, it's cold and water just doesn't seem like such a necessity - after all, cold doesn't make me sweat. In the same way, I have found that when things are relaxed and going well around me, it is easy for me to forget to drink the water of Life. It's only when things get hectic and seemingly out of control that I am reminded of what an idiot I am to allow this pattern to develop.
So I encourage you my friends, learn from my mistakes! Don't allow that one morning that you decide to delay your devotions because you're already running late to happen. It's that one morning that starts a trend, it makes a statement, that it's ok to put it aside because hey, we have human needs that need to be met RIGHT NOW. Right? Wrong. Please take a note from the scribbled out, crumpled up, taped-back-together page of my life that is right now and see what God has for you in those running-late mornings - I bet it's amazing and totally worth the time. You would also be wise to set your alarm clocks for earlier (I am still learning this lesson myself.)
Untill then, drink up!
The Bible says that the world will know that we are Christ's followers by our love; it also mentions us bearing Christ's fruit. Let me just say, that the past few weeks or so, I have not been holding up my end of that bargain. I've been easily irritable, frustrated, lacking in patience, and just tired in general. It took me to get to this point to realize that of course I'm feeling this way, when I've allowed my compass to shift.
At work, things have been super challenging. I have been disappointed by the behaviors that I see on a daily basis and it's disheartening; I can't help but think that my own attitudes are simply not helping. So what does one do when things get to this point? Aside from ask for forgiveness and commit to bringing back the focus of Christ on a daily basis.
It's summer here and summer on Long Island means hot, humid, and often just muggy. In summer time, it's so easy for me to remember to drink lots of water because, well, it's hot! It's in the cooler months of winter that I find myself slipping because, well, it's cold and water just doesn't seem like such a necessity - after all, cold doesn't make me sweat. In the same way, I have found that when things are relaxed and going well around me, it is easy for me to forget to drink the water of Life. It's only when things get hectic and seemingly out of control that I am reminded of what an idiot I am to allow this pattern to develop.
So I encourage you my friends, learn from my mistakes! Don't allow that one morning that you decide to delay your devotions because you're already running late to happen. It's that one morning that starts a trend, it makes a statement, that it's ok to put it aside because hey, we have human needs that need to be met RIGHT NOW. Right? Wrong. Please take a note from the scribbled out, crumpled up, taped-back-together page of my life that is right now and see what God has for you in those running-late mornings - I bet it's amazing and totally worth the time. You would also be wise to set your alarm clocks for earlier (I am still learning this lesson myself.)
Untill then, drink up!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Lord, You have my heart
Lord, You have my heart and I will search for Yours. This has been my prayer today. I have long known that my Jesus, longs to have my heart - in its entirety. This has been a daily decision ever since I became aware that my heart was severed at best. It seems that my days are often so busy that I seem to slowly be taking fragments of my heart out of the Masters' Hands and giving them to others without His consent.
Yes, an even more difficult battle is finding the heart of my Savior. As of recent it has become my priority to not only be known by God but to make Him known (as we are commanded.) I know, I know, theology student, shouldn't this have been my priority forever, not just recently? I'm doing my best. . . but at times I fail.
The daily challenges of my job are enough to make ones' head spin, the things presented are so not in what I would consider to be "the norm." I have found myself at an absolute loss more times than I can count and can offer nothing more than the only thing I know, that when put in the arms of Jesus, nothing is too big.
It is with a heavy heart that I write this post. As of May 1st, our new program director joined the family at the Ranch with his wife and lovely children. I have spent very little time with this new family as of yet but looked forward for opportunities to get to know them. Having moved up here from Texas, I'm sure they have very few friends here in NY and could use some welcoming support.
On Saturday morning, I received the news via my partner at work that the program director and his wife had suddenly lost their daughter on Friday morning in a hunting accident. In preparation for the completeness of their move, the family had decided to allow their 9-year-old daughter to have one last hunting trip with her grandfather. She was killed in an accident while hunting and died on the way to the hospital.
My thoughts and prayers have remained with this family since first hearing about it. Quite literally, all my partner and I could do upon hearing the news was sit down and pray for the family. It seems that in times like these, when unanswerable questions rise, all that can be said is the Name of Jesus. "When you can't find the words to say, say the Name" is a song we used to sing at my beloved Garden Grove Church where I interned at as a college student. Yes, searching for the heart of God in the most difficult circumstances is almost involuntary . . . it's a natural instinct. But more than anything else, it is comforting to know that my heart is sealed in Him.
Yes, an even more difficult battle is finding the heart of my Savior. As of recent it has become my priority to not only be known by God but to make Him known (as we are commanded.) I know, I know, theology student, shouldn't this have been my priority forever, not just recently? I'm doing my best. . . but at times I fail.
The daily challenges of my job are enough to make ones' head spin, the things presented are so not in what I would consider to be "the norm." I have found myself at an absolute loss more times than I can count and can offer nothing more than the only thing I know, that when put in the arms of Jesus, nothing is too big.
It is with a heavy heart that I write this post. As of May 1st, our new program director joined the family at the Ranch with his wife and lovely children. I have spent very little time with this new family as of yet but looked forward for opportunities to get to know them. Having moved up here from Texas, I'm sure they have very few friends here in NY and could use some welcoming support.
On Saturday morning, I received the news via my partner at work that the program director and his wife had suddenly lost their daughter on Friday morning in a hunting accident. In preparation for the completeness of their move, the family had decided to allow their 9-year-old daughter to have one last hunting trip with her grandfather. She was killed in an accident while hunting and died on the way to the hospital.
My thoughts and prayers have remained with this family since first hearing about it. Quite literally, all my partner and I could do upon hearing the news was sit down and pray for the family. It seems that in times like these, when unanswerable questions rise, all that can be said is the Name of Jesus. "When you can't find the words to say, say the Name" is a song we used to sing at my beloved Garden Grove Church where I interned at as a college student. Yes, searching for the heart of God in the most difficult circumstances is almost involuntary . . . it's a natural instinct. But more than anything else, it is comforting to know that my heart is sealed in Him.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Anguish
Warning: this post might be a little heavier than what you're used to from me. If you're looking for something light-hearted or frilly, I suggested reading a different post, that's just not where my soul is this morning.
God indeed orders our day. My day started around 2AM, when the fitful dreams began - dreams of the uncertain future of one of the boys that I work with. I've been with this particular boy since the beginning and in that time he has had some very low lows and some very high highs but as of late, his desire to remain at the place where I work (which at this point is partially his decision) is simply not there. He blows off the rules and works the program however he pleases . . . oh the sorrow that fills my heart when I think about the boy who returned to the place after some time away (he had run away) and the sincerity in his eyes and voice when he looked into mine and stated that he truly wanted to be here. I remember that moment fondly and I still remember the feeling in my heart that plead with God for him to be able to stay, to be given another chance, after he had already been given so many.
The powers that be decided that the boy could stay and for a little while he was a model resident; he worked the program, he was a leader, and more than that, he was chasing after God. Over the past few months he has been slipping and it has been addressed. Now he is in a place, once again, where a decision will be made regarding his placement with us and it is my understanding that the answer will most likely be against staying. I'm not sure that he even wants to be here at this point.
Here is where my dreams began, while in my sleep crying out to God and asking what His will would be and stating what mine was (as if He didn't know.) This journey continued far past my alarm clock waking me and the intercession continued (isn't that amazing by the way? How intercession can happen even in your sleep? The prayer without ceasing? Spirit to spirit?) to the shower where I asked that God would move on this boy's heart, that His truth would prevail. I began to speak over the child's life and was given the impression that I needed to spiritually fight for this boy's future with a certainty and assurance that I was not to give up on him.
As soon as I got to work I logged on to my facebook and (this is funny how God works) I noticed status update after status update of friends of mine with David Wilkerson quotes. One update noted that Reverend Wilkerson died last night. Another update had a short message of his on the subject of anguish. I will try and post this if I can in this blog - the message resonated so deep within me. Anguish was indeed the feeling that I had - it went beyond concern, to the point where I felt that I needed to pray and continue to pray for the life of this young man who has such potential and such a calling. Anguish - a moving of the soul, an unrest within, it goes beyond a desire to help or assist or a need for change . . . the vibrato of anguish resides in my heart and reminds me, should I dare to be distracted, of the intensity and urgency of the matter.
I share this with you today and ask that if God has placed this on your heart, in your life . . . it's ok. So many times we look for the easy answer to make ourselves feel better but often times there is no answer (and rarely is it ever easy.) God has placed this feeling inside of you for a reason - continue to pray without ceasing and see what God will do! I encourage you to watch the video below, it's approximately 8 minutes long, but the heart of David Wilkerson is so profoundly shared in the clip and I really believe that everyone will benefit from a quick listen. And . . . if you feel so moved, pray for this young man's life with me, for God to break his heart, for him to realize and choose what is true and righteous, and for God to shake him and be clear allowing no confusion or misinterpretation. All in accordance with God's will and not with what may be my will.
Till next time. Here's the video. . .
God indeed orders our day. My day started around 2AM, when the fitful dreams began - dreams of the uncertain future of one of the boys that I work with. I've been with this particular boy since the beginning and in that time he has had some very low lows and some very high highs but as of late, his desire to remain at the place where I work (which at this point is partially his decision) is simply not there. He blows off the rules and works the program however he pleases . . . oh the sorrow that fills my heart when I think about the boy who returned to the place after some time away (he had run away) and the sincerity in his eyes and voice when he looked into mine and stated that he truly wanted to be here. I remember that moment fondly and I still remember the feeling in my heart that plead with God for him to be able to stay, to be given another chance, after he had already been given so many.
The powers that be decided that the boy could stay and for a little while he was a model resident; he worked the program, he was a leader, and more than that, he was chasing after God. Over the past few months he has been slipping and it has been addressed. Now he is in a place, once again, where a decision will be made regarding his placement with us and it is my understanding that the answer will most likely be against staying. I'm not sure that he even wants to be here at this point.
Here is where my dreams began, while in my sleep crying out to God and asking what His will would be and stating what mine was (as if He didn't know.) This journey continued far past my alarm clock waking me and the intercession continued (isn't that amazing by the way? How intercession can happen even in your sleep? The prayer without ceasing? Spirit to spirit?) to the shower where I asked that God would move on this boy's heart, that His truth would prevail. I began to speak over the child's life and was given the impression that I needed to spiritually fight for this boy's future with a certainty and assurance that I was not to give up on him.
As soon as I got to work I logged on to my facebook and (this is funny how God works) I noticed status update after status update of friends of mine with David Wilkerson quotes. One update noted that Reverend Wilkerson died last night. Another update had a short message of his on the subject of anguish. I will try and post this if I can in this blog - the message resonated so deep within me. Anguish was indeed the feeling that I had - it went beyond concern, to the point where I felt that I needed to pray and continue to pray for the life of this young man who has such potential and such a calling. Anguish - a moving of the soul, an unrest within, it goes beyond a desire to help or assist or a need for change . . . the vibrato of anguish resides in my heart and reminds me, should I dare to be distracted, of the intensity and urgency of the matter.
I share this with you today and ask that if God has placed this on your heart, in your life . . . it's ok. So many times we look for the easy answer to make ourselves feel better but often times there is no answer (and rarely is it ever easy.) God has placed this feeling inside of you for a reason - continue to pray without ceasing and see what God will do! I encourage you to watch the video below, it's approximately 8 minutes long, but the heart of David Wilkerson is so profoundly shared in the clip and I really believe that everyone will benefit from a quick listen. And . . . if you feel so moved, pray for this young man's life with me, for God to break his heart, for him to realize and choose what is true and righteous, and for God to shake him and be clear allowing no confusion or misinterpretation. All in accordance with God's will and not with what may be my will.
Till next time. Here's the video. . .
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Consistency
Consistency; a word that we use at work almost on a daily basis, "Be consistent, staff to staff, day to day, be consistent." Oh the mantra that goes through my head as I work in the houses, to remain consistent. Recently, I have been thinking about how this leaks into the rest of my life.
Case and point, at work, we all have to follow the daily schedules posted for the boys routine to become, well, routine. If one of us allows "leniency" or decides that the schedule doesn't need to be followed that day for whatever reason, it becomes a habit and then the boys are upset when another staff member enforces the schedule in full (usually, enforcing bedtime.) This follows into medication procedures, the exact rules we all need to follow, and not taking shortcuts.
Yes, consistency in the work-place is a must. When I was a student at Southeastern University my studies were, well, inconsistent at best. The classes I naturally excelled at I would get an A with little to no effort, whereas a subject that I struggled in (Math, Science) I would put every effort into getting a good grade. I would sign myself up for study groups, tutors, go to the learning center, etc. Still, after all that hard work, the best grade I could get in a Math course was usually a B . . . and I killed myself for that B.
As a result, my GPA would suffer and I had a difficult time accepting that sometimes, my best wasn't a 4.0. It was soon after college that I learned the lesson that God doesn't expect perfection, He expects our utmost, our best, and even our version of perfection is nothing compared to His Completeness. Complete in Him. My grandmother used to sing a song to that effect, to which I unfortunately only remember a very little bit, but her voice rings through my head to this day with the words of, "Complete, complete, complete in Him, we are complete in Him."
Sometimes consistency in a group dynamic, akin to the one I have in the work place, is a very daunting task. I am accountable to my actions and all I can do is try my best to encourage my coworkers to do the same - however, today I had the revelation that perhaps this might not be a, not by might, nor by power, but by His Spirit thing. It's not true that all I can do is encourage, I can pray, pray that God would make us one, that we would be guided by His Spirit, that we could provide consistency, love, and care the way that He would. That His Unity would bind us and clear up any confusion.
See consistency is a difficult task as we are all different and we are all constantly changing. However, if it is in Him we live and move and have our being, than together, His consistency will shine through.
Case and point, at work, we all have to follow the daily schedules posted for the boys routine to become, well, routine. If one of us allows "leniency" or decides that the schedule doesn't need to be followed that day for whatever reason, it becomes a habit and then the boys are upset when another staff member enforces the schedule in full (usually, enforcing bedtime.) This follows into medication procedures, the exact rules we all need to follow, and not taking shortcuts.
Yes, consistency in the work-place is a must. When I was a student at Southeastern University my studies were, well, inconsistent at best. The classes I naturally excelled at I would get an A with little to no effort, whereas a subject that I struggled in (Math, Science) I would put every effort into getting a good grade. I would sign myself up for study groups, tutors, go to the learning center, etc. Still, after all that hard work, the best grade I could get in a Math course was usually a B . . . and I killed myself for that B.
As a result, my GPA would suffer and I had a difficult time accepting that sometimes, my best wasn't a 4.0. It was soon after college that I learned the lesson that God doesn't expect perfection, He expects our utmost, our best, and even our version of perfection is nothing compared to His Completeness. Complete in Him. My grandmother used to sing a song to that effect, to which I unfortunately only remember a very little bit, but her voice rings through my head to this day with the words of, "Complete, complete, complete in Him, we are complete in Him."
Sometimes consistency in a group dynamic, akin to the one I have in the work place, is a very daunting task. I am accountable to my actions and all I can do is try my best to encourage my coworkers to do the same - however, today I had the revelation that perhaps this might not be a, not by might, nor by power, but by His Spirit thing. It's not true that all I can do is encourage, I can pray, pray that God would make us one, that we would be guided by His Spirit, that we could provide consistency, love, and care the way that He would. That His Unity would bind us and clear up any confusion.
See consistency is a difficult task as we are all different and we are all constantly changing. However, if it is in Him we live and move and have our being, than together, His consistency will shine through.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
God, grant me the serenity
Change, it's everywhere. Some are afraid of it, some struggle to accept it, quite often we don't even realize it's happening untill we reflect. I've never really thought of change as a bad thing per-say. In fact, I typically thrive on new elements being brought into my life, perhaps because I get bored easily and need fresh things all the time! How glad am I that our Creator is never changing but knows me so well that He allows change to happen in my life.
This, however, was not a change I felt I was ready for. Perhaps I'm most thrown off by my inability to adapt; I fancy myself a fairly flexible person, roll with the punches, etc. So in this I am most confused. Yesterday I was working . . . wait, no, let's back-track a bit.
I was in California on a week's vacation with my friend Amy. It was wonderful! California was beautiful! I had a very lovely, relaxing time, wine-tasting, sitting in the (mostly) sunshine, spending time with Amy and her awesome dog Sienna who, although I don't usually like dogs, I LOVE! Towards the end of my trip I found myself missing my boys, to which I was not very surprised. While I NEEDED a vacation DESPERATELY I am also very attached to my kids.
So I returned and worked my first real shifts this past week (I worked some last weekend actually, straight off the plane, but this was my first full week back.) While working on Thursday I was visited by some of my boys that no longer live in the houses I work in, they live in an independent house now and so my opportunities to see them are very limited. So, when they visited my house on Thursday I was thrilled! I remember thinking as I was chatting with them just before they left how blessed by God I felt to have these two boys in my life - one who we'll call George (name changed for protection) who has scheduled a court date to leave very soon; very sudden and unexpected and I wasn't ready for. But that's getting ahead of myself isn't it? Where was I? Oh yes, blessed by God to have "George" and the other we'll call Frank (name changed for protection) in my life and to be able to spend a few minutes chatting with them.
These two boys have both come so far and to say that they're two of my favorites is a major under-statement. Their little faces are pure sunshine and their cute little texts brighten my day on any given day, these boys are a reminder to me of why I am in this business, why I don't quite after all the abuse and cursing out and furniture being thrown at me. I love these two with my whole heart.
In true fashion, I came into work on Saturday, only one whole day gone by since I had seen these two gems, when one of my other boys mentioned that "Frank" had left yesterday, just signed himself out, he couldn't take it anymore. This boy is well within his right to do so, he's a private placement and only here on his own accord. However, this is not in this child's character and I was disturbed to hear this news for multiple reasons: he hasn't finished the school year yet, he hadn't even said goodbye, I had no indication that he was unhappy, where would he go to school? How well would he be cared for? And really, when would I get to see him ever? His family lives very far away. . . my heart was crushed.
I immediately texted "Frank" and asked him if he'd left to which he replied, not yet, but soon. He came and spent the rest of the afternoon with me at the house I was working in along with "George" and the entire day was melancholly. Saying goodbye to him was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do, my heart is broken, another favorite child is gone, and I feel like he took a large piece of my heart with him so very far away.
So this is what I'm having a hard time accepting. It's difficult for me because I love these boys (most of them, to be truthful, anyway) with my whole heart. So when something happens to them or they leave, my heart is broken. They say, "just develop thicker skin" but unfortunately, I can't do that without disconnecting completely and no longer caring about them. I either am ALL IN or not at all. :-( Anyway, this is currently where I am, seeking God in my brokeness and sorrow, seeking for guidance, for assistance, for the answer on how to cope in a business where these children are in and out of your life within the blink of an eye. How do you love so deeply someone and be expected to say goodbye instantly?
Only Jesus truly knows my heart and I am sure in Him there is a way. I know that my heart and head won't rest untill I have weighed all the possibilities, because all I can do right now is torture my weary self with, "What could I have done to help? What could I have said, whom could I have spoken to, that could have changed this child's mind? How could I have made his problems smaller? Made his condition better? How, why, what . . . "
This, however, was not a change I felt I was ready for. Perhaps I'm most thrown off by my inability to adapt; I fancy myself a fairly flexible person, roll with the punches, etc. So in this I am most confused. Yesterday I was working . . . wait, no, let's back-track a bit.
I was in California on a week's vacation with my friend Amy. It was wonderful! California was beautiful! I had a very lovely, relaxing time, wine-tasting, sitting in the (mostly) sunshine, spending time with Amy and her awesome dog Sienna who, although I don't usually like dogs, I LOVE! Towards the end of my trip I found myself missing my boys, to which I was not very surprised. While I NEEDED a vacation DESPERATELY I am also very attached to my kids.
So I returned and worked my first real shifts this past week (I worked some last weekend actually, straight off the plane, but this was my first full week back.) While working on Thursday I was visited by some of my boys that no longer live in the houses I work in, they live in an independent house now and so my opportunities to see them are very limited. So, when they visited my house on Thursday I was thrilled! I remember thinking as I was chatting with them just before they left how blessed by God I felt to have these two boys in my life - one who we'll call George (name changed for protection) who has scheduled a court date to leave very soon; very sudden and unexpected and I wasn't ready for. But that's getting ahead of myself isn't it? Where was I? Oh yes, blessed by God to have "George" and the other we'll call Frank (name changed for protection) in my life and to be able to spend a few minutes chatting with them.
These two boys have both come so far and to say that they're two of my favorites is a major under-statement. Their little faces are pure sunshine and their cute little texts brighten my day on any given day, these boys are a reminder to me of why I am in this business, why I don't quite after all the abuse and cursing out and furniture being thrown at me. I love these two with my whole heart.
In true fashion, I came into work on Saturday, only one whole day gone by since I had seen these two gems, when one of my other boys mentioned that "Frank" had left yesterday, just signed himself out, he couldn't take it anymore. This boy is well within his right to do so, he's a private placement and only here on his own accord. However, this is not in this child's character and I was disturbed to hear this news for multiple reasons: he hasn't finished the school year yet, he hadn't even said goodbye, I had no indication that he was unhappy, where would he go to school? How well would he be cared for? And really, when would I get to see him ever? His family lives very far away. . . my heart was crushed.
I immediately texted "Frank" and asked him if he'd left to which he replied, not yet, but soon. He came and spent the rest of the afternoon with me at the house I was working in along with "George" and the entire day was melancholly. Saying goodbye to him was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do, my heart is broken, another favorite child is gone, and I feel like he took a large piece of my heart with him so very far away.
So this is what I'm having a hard time accepting. It's difficult for me because I love these boys (most of them, to be truthful, anyway) with my whole heart. So when something happens to them or they leave, my heart is broken. They say, "just develop thicker skin" but unfortunately, I can't do that without disconnecting completely and no longer caring about them. I either am ALL IN or not at all. :-( Anyway, this is currently where I am, seeking God in my brokeness and sorrow, seeking for guidance, for assistance, for the answer on how to cope in a business where these children are in and out of your life within the blink of an eye. How do you love so deeply someone and be expected to say goodbye instantly?
Only Jesus truly knows my heart and I am sure in Him there is a way. I know that my heart and head won't rest untill I have weighed all the possibilities, because all I can do right now is torture my weary self with, "What could I have done to help? What could I have said, whom could I have spoken to, that could have changed this child's mind? How could I have made his problems smaller? Made his condition better? How, why, what . . . "
Sunday, March 20, 2011
24
God is so incredible - He really is.
Where to start really? Thursday was my birthday and it was wonderful, from beginning to end. In the morning I went to work at the lutheran church/school I work at where I was greeted with a birthday card by the pastor (my boss) and his wife (one of the teachers) with a panera gift card! I was touched, pastor's wife wrote, "we're so glad you're here with us!" Later that morning, the kindergarten teacher brought her little imps in to say happy birthday - their little cutesy ways were overjoyed and they all gave me big birthday wishes! A little later into the day, I was waiting in the foyer (lutherans refer to it as the narthex) for my pre-school friends to get off the bus and I was chit-chatting with a mom while I waited. A van pulled up to the church while we were chatting and out stepped a woman with a vase of flowers; "oh!" I exclaimed "those are so beautiful!" as I opened the door for her, "and they're star-gazers! Those are my absolute favorite! Oh and how nice, bells of ireland and pussy willows!" and then I realized . . . of course, my three favorite flowers, in a vase, being delivered on my birthday . . . THESE ARE FOR ME?!?!?! I checked the card and yes, in fact, my mother in her sneakyness had arranged for the florist to deliver them to me, at work, on my birthday. She had asked me WEEKS ago for my work address and I figured, since she's a teacher, she needed it for school or something? My mother is my hero and she totally made my day; I had to call her and gush a little.
You see, for the past few years of my life I've always made it my intent to provide for others who normally would go without. Sometimes, this has been in the form of delivering flowers to my friends who I know would typically never receive them (single moms, older people, newly single friends.) In my heart I've always been a little sad that my Dad and my brother are the only men in my life who have ever bought me flowers - please don't misunderstand, I am so thankful that they have and I am blessed to have them in my life. Even still, on a birthday, sometimes a girl just wants flowers delivered secretly - my Mom was able to give me that. :-)
As soon as I left work I went to Mom's house and spent time with her and my baby brother (who is not such a baby anymore at 7 years old!) We went to my favorite beach because, as God would have it, the weather was perfect! Warm and sunny and we walked the beach, chatting, combing for seashells, enjoying this unseasonably warm day. I stayed for dinner with Mom and little boy and then I was off to my house to get changed for more birthday celebrations with my best friend!
As I went home I walked into my bedroom and there, sitting on my bed, was a beautiful bouquet of star-gazer lillies! Apparently my brother and dad were in cahoots and had purchased what looked like the LARGEST star-gazers I have ever seen in my life! I rushed to put them in water and placed both bouquets, in their respective separate vases, on my shelf in my bedroom. I was so surprised! TWO bouquets of flowers in ONE day! AND they got my favorite kind. I felt so special and so loved, I never get flowers.
Right on time, my bff arrived (boyfriend in tow) with a beautifully wrapped pink present! With a bow! Ooooooo! I was not expecting a gift at all! And I was pleasantly surprised by a beautiful hand-painted butterfly tea set (she knows me so well!) I gushed, I giggled, I jumped up and down - God really is so cool, I have a friend who knew what I would love without even discussing it with me. Later that night we went out to see my older brother at the bar he works at where we stayed for a few hours, had a few cocktails, and did our own crazy dance moves (mostly laughing at others.) A good time was had by all and then, the night was over. I went home and back to my bedroom which was now filled with the beautiful aroma of my flowers - it smelled like I was someplace tropical. I went to sleep with the images of warm summer nights, the ocean lapping on the moonlit shore, the fragrance of flowers in the air, and the promise of a new year with the possibility of new and exciting things to come. Yes, I think 24 will be a very good year!
Where to start really? Thursday was my birthday and it was wonderful, from beginning to end. In the morning I went to work at the lutheran church/school I work at where I was greeted with a birthday card by the pastor (my boss) and his wife (one of the teachers) with a panera gift card! I was touched, pastor's wife wrote, "we're so glad you're here with us!" Later that morning, the kindergarten teacher brought her little imps in to say happy birthday - their little cutesy ways were overjoyed and they all gave me big birthday wishes! A little later into the day, I was waiting in the foyer (lutherans refer to it as the narthex) for my pre-school friends to get off the bus and I was chit-chatting with a mom while I waited. A van pulled up to the church while we were chatting and out stepped a woman with a vase of flowers; "oh!" I exclaimed "those are so beautiful!" as I opened the door for her, "and they're star-gazers! Those are my absolute favorite! Oh and how nice, bells of ireland and pussy willows!" and then I realized . . . of course, my three favorite flowers, in a vase, being delivered on my birthday . . . THESE ARE FOR ME?!?!?! I checked the card and yes, in fact, my mother in her sneakyness had arranged for the florist to deliver them to me, at work, on my birthday. She had asked me WEEKS ago for my work address and I figured, since she's a teacher, she needed it for school or something? My mother is my hero and she totally made my day; I had to call her and gush a little.
You see, for the past few years of my life I've always made it my intent to provide for others who normally would go without. Sometimes, this has been in the form of delivering flowers to my friends who I know would typically never receive them (single moms, older people, newly single friends.) In my heart I've always been a little sad that my Dad and my brother are the only men in my life who have ever bought me flowers - please don't misunderstand, I am so thankful that they have and I am blessed to have them in my life. Even still, on a birthday, sometimes a girl just wants flowers delivered secretly - my Mom was able to give me that. :-)
As soon as I left work I went to Mom's house and spent time with her and my baby brother (who is not such a baby anymore at 7 years old!) We went to my favorite beach because, as God would have it, the weather was perfect! Warm and sunny and we walked the beach, chatting, combing for seashells, enjoying this unseasonably warm day. I stayed for dinner with Mom and little boy and then I was off to my house to get changed for more birthday celebrations with my best friend!
As I went home I walked into my bedroom and there, sitting on my bed, was a beautiful bouquet of star-gazer lillies! Apparently my brother and dad were in cahoots and had purchased what looked like the LARGEST star-gazers I have ever seen in my life! I rushed to put them in water and placed both bouquets, in their respective separate vases, on my shelf in my bedroom. I was so surprised! TWO bouquets of flowers in ONE day! AND they got my favorite kind. I felt so special and so loved, I never get flowers.
Right on time, my bff arrived (boyfriend in tow) with a beautifully wrapped pink present! With a bow! Ooooooo! I was not expecting a gift at all! And I was pleasantly surprised by a beautiful hand-painted butterfly tea set (she knows me so well!) I gushed, I giggled, I jumped up and down - God really is so cool, I have a friend who knew what I would love without even discussing it with me. Later that night we went out to see my older brother at the bar he works at where we stayed for a few hours, had a few cocktails, and did our own crazy dance moves (mostly laughing at others.) A good time was had by all and then, the night was over. I went home and back to my bedroom which was now filled with the beautiful aroma of my flowers - it smelled like I was someplace tropical. I went to sleep with the images of warm summer nights, the ocean lapping on the moonlit shore, the fragrance of flowers in the air, and the promise of a new year with the possibility of new and exciting things to come. Yes, I think 24 will be a very good year!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Birthdays and Blessings
Today is Wednesday, March 16, 2011. In approximately 45 minutes (it's 11:15PM now) I will be 24 years old. My mother has told me time and time again of taking me home from the hospital - it snowed that day. Today I prayed that it wouldn't snow tomorrow because my birthday is such a fun day and, "Lord, I am so tired of the snow! Could you just please let it not snow on my day?"
Ahhhhhh. Today is also one of my long days - I work for 5 hours at the church/school and another 8 directly following at the ranch. My last shift here was difficult - ending with a child cursing me out, spreading a malicious, horrible lie about me, and then AWOL'ing. *sigh* Days like those can leave one feeling a little more empty inside, questioning why I do this even. Can I be a help at all to these boys?
And then, I had a day like today. A moment was really all it was. After dinner and chores I took some of the boys to the basketball court and all of a sudden my seven kids multiplied to 30! Sure enough, the boys from the other house had arrived and also, three from one of our other programs. The three in this program I rarely see, they're more independent and rarely socialize with the boys that live in the houses I work in. As soon as those three arrived (two of which are my favorites) I instantly was in a better mood; it's such a rare treat to see these kids and I have built a pretty solid relationship with both of them from when they did live in the houses I work in. They said their hello's to the boys and then, seemingly out of nowhere, one of them ran over and gave me a hug filled with, "I miss you! I heart you!"
It made my entire night. :-) It's true, as my one blog-friend says - loving broken people can leave one feeling hurt at times. But moments like tonight, when I get to see a life of a child that I have helped make better, a child that can recognize friendship and love, it makes it totally worth it.
With that said I will be taking tomorrow off for my birthday and then next week I am off to California to see my good friend Amy who just moved there. I will be spending an entire week in California on vacation, to recharge my batteries, relax, spend time with my friend, and unwind from all of the things I have taken on these past two years (the time it's been since my last vacation.)
Please pray for my Mom if you can; she sent me these beautiful flowers today for my birthday, always putting others first. She has lesions on her eyes from a virus she has - please pray that there is no permanent damage and that she finds health soon!
Ahhhhhh. Today is also one of my long days - I work for 5 hours at the church/school and another 8 directly following at the ranch. My last shift here was difficult - ending with a child cursing me out, spreading a malicious, horrible lie about me, and then AWOL'ing. *sigh* Days like those can leave one feeling a little more empty inside, questioning why I do this even. Can I be a help at all to these boys?
And then, I had a day like today. A moment was really all it was. After dinner and chores I took some of the boys to the basketball court and all of a sudden my seven kids multiplied to 30! Sure enough, the boys from the other house had arrived and also, three from one of our other programs. The three in this program I rarely see, they're more independent and rarely socialize with the boys that live in the houses I work in. As soon as those three arrived (two of which are my favorites) I instantly was in a better mood; it's such a rare treat to see these kids and I have built a pretty solid relationship with both of them from when they did live in the houses I work in. They said their hello's to the boys and then, seemingly out of nowhere, one of them ran over and gave me a hug filled with, "I miss you! I heart you!"
It made my entire night. :-) It's true, as my one blog-friend says - loving broken people can leave one feeling hurt at times. But moments like tonight, when I get to see a life of a child that I have helped make better, a child that can recognize friendship and love, it makes it totally worth it.
With that said I will be taking tomorrow off for my birthday and then next week I am off to California to see my good friend Amy who just moved there. I will be spending an entire week in California on vacation, to recharge my batteries, relax, spend time with my friend, and unwind from all of the things I have taken on these past two years (the time it's been since my last vacation.)
Please pray for my Mom if you can; she sent me these beautiful flowers today for my birthday, always putting others first. She has lesions on her eyes from a virus she has - please pray that there is no permanent damage and that she finds health soon!
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Burning Clean
The heart has always been a fascinating thing to me. It is capable of so much, loving, holding on to things, hiding "The Word," stowing memories . . . ahhhhh yes, all of my favorite emotions come from the heart (or so our culture believes.) It can also be troubling, as I have found it to be recently.
My heart is divided over so many things; past loves, belief, what is truly right for someone, where the right path is . . . etc. As a somewhat covenant between God and myself I tattooed the scripture reference of Proverbs 4:23 which when translated reads, "above all else, guard your heart wherein lies the wellsprings of life." I put this scripture under the word "muinin" which is the Irish-Gaelic word for trust, more accurately, an unconditional, Godly trust. This word is above the scripture referenced, encircled by beautiful vines that form a circle; many cultures (including the irish one) believe that circles go on forever and when something is put inside a circle, it is safe and cannot be broken.
Symbolically, I put my heart and my trust in God inside this circle that cannot be broken - my heart, as long as it is God's cannot be broken, I trust Him with it. Likewise, I trust God to guide me to the person to give my heart to. I believe in this completely or else I would never have had it ingrained on my body. My fear has always been to give my heart to the wrong person - as proof of this I have never fully given my heart to any one man. I have, over the years, given pieces of my heart away.
When Heather died, her boyfriend Timmy said at her celebration service (somewhat of a memorial service) that there will forever be an H-shaped hole missing from his heart. I feel that way too . . . I feel that there are many pieces missing from my heart that I have freely given away; none regretted but some more painful than others.
My favorite band (or at least, one of them) Stavesacre wrote a song called "burning clean" . . . the lyrics have haunted me for song long. Beautifully written, Mark Solomon poetically paints a picture (the entire lyrics I will leave at the end of this post) that has stayed with me ever since my first listen. Currently, the words, "What is true and what is real, past what you might feel what do you know eternally? And when this fleeting limelight fades and we're alone again, what name will your heart speak?" That last question, what name will your heart speak, has been ringing in my soul as of late.
You see, my heart is so easily swayed . . . my mind is so easily occupied . . . my thoughts can be distracted as quickly as someone with attention deficit disorder. My job - my life with these boys at the ranch, my family, my past, my future, my friends, the grief of loss, my inner-most longings . . . all of these taking up space in the lodgings of my heart. But at the end of the day, what name will my heart speak? My priorities with God are not good, He is not my total focus as I am so easily distracted - I know I have the best intentions (paving the road to hell excellently, if you ask Madonna.)
And so I challenge you, as I work out my own salvation with fear and trembling - when this fleeting limelight fades and we're alone again, what name will your heart speak? Maybe it's not about feeling . . . maybe it's about dedication . . . about never giving up . . . about running a race with endurance . . . about reminding yourself . . . about refocusing . . . maybe love, as more than just a feeling, is intentional and practiced.
"When this fleeting limelight fades and we're alone again, what name will your heart speak?
What is true? What is real? Not what you feel, what you know eternally.
Ten years running blind and aimlessly,
Warming by the fires of bridges burning,
Ten thousand peering eyes that can only see the show, the smile, the face I allow.
How many more break beneath the surface?
Young and bold but blind and led by blind
His person missed beyond His name.
Was this hope when we began?
A tragic generation of faithless children and forgotten love?
I know I'd hoped for some other higher purpose.
What is true and what is real past what you might feel,
What do you know eternally?
And when this fleeting limelight fades and we're alone again
What name will your heart speak?
And if you see me on the way down would you smile and send me on my way?
And if you see me headed down is there something more between you and I?
Something higher, something higher,
I want to be real again,
I want You, Father, be real in me,
And if I see you on the way down,
I'll lift your name up, up into His care.
And if I see you headed down,
I'll do what I can to lift you up again.
Burn us clean, refine this world away,
Make Yourself real to me,
Make us to live as You would."
My heart is divided over so many things; past loves, belief, what is truly right for someone, where the right path is . . . etc. As a somewhat covenant between God and myself I tattooed the scripture reference of Proverbs 4:23 which when translated reads, "above all else, guard your heart wherein lies the wellsprings of life." I put this scripture under the word "muinin" which is the Irish-Gaelic word for trust, more accurately, an unconditional, Godly trust. This word is above the scripture referenced, encircled by beautiful vines that form a circle; many cultures (including the irish one) believe that circles go on forever and when something is put inside a circle, it is safe and cannot be broken.
Symbolically, I put my heart and my trust in God inside this circle that cannot be broken - my heart, as long as it is God's cannot be broken, I trust Him with it. Likewise, I trust God to guide me to the person to give my heart to. I believe in this completely or else I would never have had it ingrained on my body. My fear has always been to give my heart to the wrong person - as proof of this I have never fully given my heart to any one man. I have, over the years, given pieces of my heart away.
When Heather died, her boyfriend Timmy said at her celebration service (somewhat of a memorial service) that there will forever be an H-shaped hole missing from his heart. I feel that way too . . . I feel that there are many pieces missing from my heart that I have freely given away; none regretted but some more painful than others.
My favorite band (or at least, one of them) Stavesacre wrote a song called "burning clean" . . . the lyrics have haunted me for song long. Beautifully written, Mark Solomon poetically paints a picture (the entire lyrics I will leave at the end of this post) that has stayed with me ever since my first listen. Currently, the words, "What is true and what is real, past what you might feel what do you know eternally? And when this fleeting limelight fades and we're alone again, what name will your heart speak?" That last question, what name will your heart speak, has been ringing in my soul as of late.
You see, my heart is so easily swayed . . . my mind is so easily occupied . . . my thoughts can be distracted as quickly as someone with attention deficit disorder. My job - my life with these boys at the ranch, my family, my past, my future, my friends, the grief of loss, my inner-most longings . . . all of these taking up space in the lodgings of my heart. But at the end of the day, what name will my heart speak? My priorities with God are not good, He is not my total focus as I am so easily distracted - I know I have the best intentions (paving the road to hell excellently, if you ask Madonna.)
And so I challenge you, as I work out my own salvation with fear and trembling - when this fleeting limelight fades and we're alone again, what name will your heart speak? Maybe it's not about feeling . . . maybe it's about dedication . . . about never giving up . . . about running a race with endurance . . . about reminding yourself . . . about refocusing . . . maybe love, as more than just a feeling, is intentional and practiced.
"When this fleeting limelight fades and we're alone again, what name will your heart speak?
What is true? What is real? Not what you feel, what you know eternally.
Ten years running blind and aimlessly,
Warming by the fires of bridges burning,
Ten thousand peering eyes that can only see the show, the smile, the face I allow.
How many more break beneath the surface?
Young and bold but blind and led by blind
His person missed beyond His name.
Was this hope when we began?
A tragic generation of faithless children and forgotten love?
I know I'd hoped for some other higher purpose.
What is true and what is real past what you might feel,
What do you know eternally?
And when this fleeting limelight fades and we're alone again
What name will your heart speak?
And if you see me on the way down would you smile and send me on my way?
And if you see me headed down is there something more between you and I?
Something higher, something higher,
I want to be real again,
I want You, Father, be real in me,
And if I see you on the way down,
I'll lift your name up, up into His care.
And if I see you headed down,
I'll do what I can to lift you up again.
Burn us clean, refine this world away,
Make Yourself real to me,
Make us to live as You would."
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Every Season
. . . Still I notice You and how You make me new with every season's change . . .
. . . . And so it will be, as You are re-creating me; summer, autumn, winter, spring. . . .
Ok, so I have a confession, I love Nicole Nordeman. I bought her cd "Wide Eyed" as a a teenager and loved it! I kind of took a break from her untill her "Brave" cd came out. When I was a teenager, a family friend (who I'm sure had the best of intentions) gave me one of those "WOW" cd's and it had one of her newer songs on it; the lyrics above are from her song Every Season. Somewhere along the line I read an article about that song, Ms. Nordeman (who writes almost all of her own music) stated that she wrote this song in a very dark place, someone close to her had passed and she was having difficulty seeing God in anything as a result. The song takes the listener throughout each season and how nature reflects on our lives, it's quite beautiful, but the song and the interview never really hit me untill today.
God is a great comforter and by His mercy I am healing . . . however, I still think of H every day . . . even when I'm not intentionally doing so. When I'm running I push myself to go that extra quarter mile, inspired by the girl who against all odds made herself a runner to raise money and hope for a dying friend. When I'm in worship a song will be played that Heather loved and I can't help but break down and cry. In addition, I live on Long Island, which for the past three months or so has been a very cold, snowy place. If you don't live in a snowy place you might romanticize it; yes, snow is beautiful, it's white, it makes things look clean and bright. But the cold and the darkness of winter can creep in if you let it even to the crevices of your heart.
Yes, winter has been a difficult one, to loosely quote Ms. Nordeman,
"Everything in time and under heaven finally falls asleep,
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation shivers underneath,
And still I notice You when branches crack and in my breath on frosted grass,
Even now in death You open doors for life to enter, You are winter."
Heather died in winter . . . it seems so appropriate that she would. Heather was the opposite of winter and so I think that it's some kind of poetic justice that we be allowed to grieve her death and look forward to being reunited as we mourn winter and look forward to spring. And spring . . . I have hope because spring is coming. :-) I know that this is momentary, that with seasons come change, and I am thankful that my God has not forgotten me but brings the promise of a new day, the promise of a new season, and in this case the promise of spring . . .
"And everything that's new has bravely surfaced teaching us to breathe,
For what was frozen through is newly purposed, turning all things green,
So it is with You and how You make me new with every season's change,
And so it will be as You are recreating me; summer, autumn, winter, spring."
Spring, we are waiting with anticipation for the snow to melt away and for Your warm touch to cover our part of the earth again.
. . . . And so it will be, as You are re-creating me; summer, autumn, winter, spring. . . .
Ok, so I have a confession, I love Nicole Nordeman. I bought her cd "Wide Eyed" as a a teenager and loved it! I kind of took a break from her untill her "Brave" cd came out. When I was a teenager, a family friend (who I'm sure had the best of intentions) gave me one of those "WOW" cd's and it had one of her newer songs on it; the lyrics above are from her song Every Season. Somewhere along the line I read an article about that song, Ms. Nordeman (who writes almost all of her own music) stated that she wrote this song in a very dark place, someone close to her had passed and she was having difficulty seeing God in anything as a result. The song takes the listener throughout each season and how nature reflects on our lives, it's quite beautiful, but the song and the interview never really hit me untill today.
God is a great comforter and by His mercy I am healing . . . however, I still think of H every day . . . even when I'm not intentionally doing so. When I'm running I push myself to go that extra quarter mile, inspired by the girl who against all odds made herself a runner to raise money and hope for a dying friend. When I'm in worship a song will be played that Heather loved and I can't help but break down and cry. In addition, I live on Long Island, which for the past three months or so has been a very cold, snowy place. If you don't live in a snowy place you might romanticize it; yes, snow is beautiful, it's white, it makes things look clean and bright. But the cold and the darkness of winter can creep in if you let it even to the crevices of your heart.
Yes, winter has been a difficult one, to loosely quote Ms. Nordeman,
"Everything in time and under heaven finally falls asleep,
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation shivers underneath,
And still I notice You when branches crack and in my breath on frosted grass,
Even now in death You open doors for life to enter, You are winter."
Heather died in winter . . . it seems so appropriate that she would. Heather was the opposite of winter and so I think that it's some kind of poetic justice that we be allowed to grieve her death and look forward to being reunited as we mourn winter and look forward to spring. And spring . . . I have hope because spring is coming. :-) I know that this is momentary, that with seasons come change, and I am thankful that my God has not forgotten me but brings the promise of a new day, the promise of a new season, and in this case the promise of spring . . .
"And everything that's new has bravely surfaced teaching us to breathe,
For what was frozen through is newly purposed, turning all things green,
So it is with You and how You make me new with every season's change,
And so it will be as You are recreating me; summer, autumn, winter, spring."
Spring, we are waiting with anticipation for the snow to melt away and for Your warm touch to cover our part of the earth again.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Quitting
Yesterday at work the campus minister (we'll call him "Bob" for the sake of this post) stopped by to cut the boys hair (yes, he now doubles as barber, we all do our part around here.) After the boys went to bed, he and I talked a bit about what our lives have been like at the ranch since we both started. "Bob" shared that he appreciated my work there and spent some time encouraging me; he said allot of nice things but the one that stuck with me was a sentiment he shared about quitting. I'm not sure why this has stayed with me, but Bob said, "After all I've seen you go through here (at the ranch) I'm surprised you didn't quit" to which I replied, "Well, I've never allowed myself to see quitting as an option, because if I consider it as a possibility, I will keep entertaining the thought until I do it."
I continued to share with Bob that God had so clearly brought me here and that my place here, the time that I serve however long or short it may be, is completely up to Him; "I will stay in this place untill He moves me." Bob and I talked for a while after that and began to rehash some of the bad things I'd been through while at this job and reminisced over the good things and wonderful boys that have come and gone here since June, when he returned as campus minister.
This is what God has been saying to me last night, it came to me as I was driving home from work, "Love like quitting isn't an option, because chances are, someone else already gave up." The boys that we serve here are unique in so many ways, to be truthful they're teenagers and are often inconsiderate and unkind. With this in mind, they're also children who have been hurt and most of them have been neglected and uncared for since birth. On several occassions I have been so frustrated that I couldn't help but look to the hills, where my help comes from, the Maker of heaven and earth. At these times of frustration, it's difficult to see why God has me here . . . and then something will happen, it could be small or it could be big. Last night it was a simple game of cards that I played with a boy I have had difficulties with in the past. For him to be able to sit there and enjoy a game of rummy 500 with me was a huge step.
It's at times like these that God shows me, "See? This is why you're here, never give up, never back down. For whom much has been given, much is required. You have been so filled with love for these boys so that it can spill out onto them that need it the most." The card game (that we played at the dining room table last night) reminded me of an old sunday school song I used to sing. In my little impish six-year-old way I would toddle around the house in all my innocense singing, "He brought me to His banqueting table, His banner over me is love." This sentiment brings tears to my eyes even now; I knew at a very young age that I was loved! Last night, I was sitting at a dining room table (perhaps not quite a banqueting table, but still) with a boy who allowed himself to be shown Christ's Love and couldn't help but be thankful.
God is amazing! He shows me in every day, through every situation and circumstance that He is in control. I am so grateful that I don't have that position - I could definitely not fill the job description.
His banner over me is Love. :-)
I continued to share with Bob that God had so clearly brought me here and that my place here, the time that I serve however long or short it may be, is completely up to Him; "I will stay in this place untill He moves me." Bob and I talked for a while after that and began to rehash some of the bad things I'd been through while at this job and reminisced over the good things and wonderful boys that have come and gone here since June, when he returned as campus minister.
This is what God has been saying to me last night, it came to me as I was driving home from work, "Love like quitting isn't an option, because chances are, someone else already gave up." The boys that we serve here are unique in so many ways, to be truthful they're teenagers and are often inconsiderate and unkind. With this in mind, they're also children who have been hurt and most of them have been neglected and uncared for since birth. On several occassions I have been so frustrated that I couldn't help but look to the hills, where my help comes from, the Maker of heaven and earth. At these times of frustration, it's difficult to see why God has me here . . . and then something will happen, it could be small or it could be big. Last night it was a simple game of cards that I played with a boy I have had difficulties with in the past. For him to be able to sit there and enjoy a game of rummy 500 with me was a huge step.
It's at times like these that God shows me, "See? This is why you're here, never give up, never back down. For whom much has been given, much is required. You have been so filled with love for these boys so that it can spill out onto them that need it the most." The card game (that we played at the dining room table last night) reminded me of an old sunday school song I used to sing. In my little impish six-year-old way I would toddle around the house in all my innocense singing, "He brought me to His banqueting table, His banner over me is love." This sentiment brings tears to my eyes even now; I knew at a very young age that I was loved! Last night, I was sitting at a dining room table (perhaps not quite a banqueting table, but still) with a boy who allowed himself to be shown Christ's Love and couldn't help but be thankful.
God is amazing! He shows me in every day, through every situation and circumstance that He is in control. I am so grateful that I don't have that position - I could definitely not fill the job description.
His banner over me is Love. :-)
Friday, January 14, 2011
H!
This morning around 10AM I was suddenly hit with some very difficult news. I always marvel at the term "difficult news" . . . how is news difficult? Was it presented in a difficult manner? Was receiving it difficult? In this case, dealing with the information and how it makes me feel is difficult in that, I feel incredible torn. . .
On January 12, 2011 my friend Heather Lynn Parman was killed. She was driving home from work and was hit by a driver who had reportedly closed his eyes (police speculate that he was asleep at the wheel.) . . .
Heather was joy incarnate; she was rarely without a smile, she was loud, she danced, I can still hear her yelling, "Christiaaaaaaaaaaaaaana Diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinkelmeyer!" She lived life so big and it was infectious - when you were around Heather you felt alive, like right here, in this moment, whatever you were doing was exactly what you were supposed to be doing. She truly spread Jesus' unconditional love and His unbelievable joy to everyone she came in contact with. "H!" as she was affectionately called was just that, an exclamation point in life.
I feel like this world just lost something massive. . . and I can't even begin to process how this void will effect all of those that loved her, which were many.
It's difficult news because on the other side of the coin, H! is with her Jesus, He called her home and now she can dance around wildly with Him aaaaand I'm sure that's the first thing she did. Entered His gates, saw His face for the first time, and screamed, "HOLY COW! IT'S YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" and as she ran into His arms, she would say with certainty in her voice and honesty in her eyes, "I stinkin LOVE you!" I know this because H! spoke with her soul and that is what she got to take with her to heaven, her soul, her beautiful, incredible, awe-inspiring soul.
My life has been so inspired by H. We first met while I did my internship with YWAM in NY and she was one of the first to befriend me. I knew I liked her right away and instantly wanted to become her friend; she just oooooooozed all things wonderful (mostly Jesus.) Last year, she began to train for a race that she was sponsored for because of a friend who had become ill; she ran for that friend and faithfully trained. This is who Heather was.
H! was silly HUGE button earings, bright colors, dancing, MxPx rocking, a runner, a humanitarian, a servant, a YWAMer, she loved dresses, a model, amazing with children, she had swag, loving, an intercessor, played dress-up, a make-up queen, and my hero.
Heather's last facebook status said: don't just pretend to love others...really love them
Love you H! . . . I miss you already with my heart.
On January 12, 2011 my friend Heather Lynn Parman was killed. She was driving home from work and was hit by a driver who had reportedly closed his eyes (police speculate that he was asleep at the wheel.) . . .
I feel like this world just lost something massive. . . and I can't even begin to process how this void will effect all of those that loved her, which were many.
It's difficult news because on the other side of the coin, H! is with her Jesus, He called her home and now she can dance around wildly with Him aaaaand I'm sure that's the first thing she did. Entered His gates, saw His face for the first time, and screamed, "HOLY COW! IT'S YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" and as she ran into His arms, she would say with certainty in her voice and honesty in her eyes, "I stinkin LOVE you!" I know this because H! spoke with her soul and that is what she got to take with her to heaven, her soul, her beautiful, incredible, awe-inspiring soul.
My life has been so inspired by H. We first met while I did my internship with YWAM in NY and she was one of the first to befriend me. I knew I liked her right away and instantly wanted to become her friend; she just oooooooozed all things wonderful (mostly Jesus.) Last year, she began to train for a race that she was sponsored for because of a friend who had become ill; she ran for that friend and faithfully trained. This is who Heather was.
H! was silly HUGE button earings, bright colors, dancing, MxPx rocking, a runner, a humanitarian, a servant, a YWAMer, she loved dresses, a model, amazing with children, she had swag, loving, an intercessor, played dress-up, a make-up queen, and my hero.Heather's last facebook status said: don't just pretend to love others...really love them
Love you H! . . . I miss you already with my heart.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
A new year
Here we are in 2011! Wooohoooo! I honestly don't think I ever fathomed us being this far in the world. I mean, that is, as a child I always thought that the return of Christ would be before I was in my 20's and now at 23, I am appreciative of the fact that truly no man knows the hour.
I spent my New Years Eve here at the ranch; as my final act as recreation coordinator, I planned a fun bowling trip for all 36 of our boys including pizza, party favors, snacks, and beverages (plus 3 hours of unlimited play.) The night was filled with fun as each participating boy stepped up to take their turn at cosmic bowling (many of them had never played before!) There were of course its' highs and lows at the event but it was very retrospective as not only was it the last day of the year but it was my last night in this position.
We stayed up late to watch the ball drop and as it did, I could not help but think there is nowhere else in the world that I would want to be at this point in time but here, counting down the new year, with these boys that God has given me the honor of working with. It's a very rare moment in my life to be able to realize that things are exactly how I want them, right there . . . it usually takes some hind-sight thinking to remember how good things were. With this new year, God has blessed me with the opportunity of working here, living out my dream, making a difference (I hope) in these boys lives. And to be truthful, last night, there was nowhere else in the world I wanted to be then right there, celebrating God's blessing of a new year with them.
When I first started working with the boys, our Program Director gave my training class a challenge; to weigh our decisions here on the balance of justice and mercy. For me, it has been a scale that has teetered on the side of mercy more than justice more often than not. Which has brought me to a revelation for my own life - how many times do I, in my own circumstances, prefer mercy to justice? Are they not equally important?
And so my friends, along with my new years resolutions of:
1) Training at the dojo at least twice a week
2) Allowing myself to be open to the possibilities of falling in love
I now have a third:
3) No more excuses.
If I have to come up with a sentence to explain something that could be put quite simply, then perhaps I protest too much. Perhaps in my life I could afford to be more rigid on certain areas. God created me to be loving, caring, and gentle but perhaps I could add a bit more strength behind that and not allow myself to be the push-over.
I encourage you, in whatever paths you are taking towards this new year, that you embrace where you are now. Let God be glorified in the now. Happy and blessed 2011!
I spent my New Years Eve here at the ranch; as my final act as recreation coordinator, I planned a fun bowling trip for all 36 of our boys including pizza, party favors, snacks, and beverages (plus 3 hours of unlimited play.) The night was filled with fun as each participating boy stepped up to take their turn at cosmic bowling (many of them had never played before!) There were of course its' highs and lows at the event but it was very retrospective as not only was it the last day of the year but it was my last night in this position.
We stayed up late to watch the ball drop and as it did, I could not help but think there is nowhere else in the world that I would want to be at this point in time but here, counting down the new year, with these boys that God has given me the honor of working with. It's a very rare moment in my life to be able to realize that things are exactly how I want them, right there . . . it usually takes some hind-sight thinking to remember how good things were. With this new year, God has blessed me with the opportunity of working here, living out my dream, making a difference (I hope) in these boys lives. And to be truthful, last night, there was nowhere else in the world I wanted to be then right there, celebrating God's blessing of a new year with them.
When I first started working with the boys, our Program Director gave my training class a challenge; to weigh our decisions here on the balance of justice and mercy. For me, it has been a scale that has teetered on the side of mercy more than justice more often than not. Which has brought me to a revelation for my own life - how many times do I, in my own circumstances, prefer mercy to justice? Are they not equally important?
And so my friends, along with my new years resolutions of:
1) Training at the dojo at least twice a week
2) Allowing myself to be open to the possibilities of falling in love
I now have a third:
3) No more excuses.
If I have to come up with a sentence to explain something that could be put quite simply, then perhaps I protest too much. Perhaps in my life I could afford to be more rigid on certain areas. God created me to be loving, caring, and gentle but perhaps I could add a bit more strength behind that and not allow myself to be the push-over.
I encourage you, in whatever paths you are taking towards this new year, that you embrace where you are now. Let God be glorified in the now. Happy and blessed 2011!
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