Quitting

Yesterday at work the campus minister (we'll call him "Bob" for the sake of this post) stopped by to cut the boys hair (yes, he now doubles as barber, we all do our part around here.)  After the boys went to bed, he and I talked a bit about what our lives have been like at the ranch since we both started.  "Bob" shared that he appreciated my work there and spent some time encouraging me; he said allot of nice things but the one that stuck with me was a sentiment he shared about quitting.  I'm not sure why this has stayed with me, but Bob said, "After all I've seen you go through here (at the ranch) I'm surprised you didn't quit" to which I replied, "Well, I've never allowed myself to see quitting as an option, because if I consider it as a possibility, I will keep entertaining the thought until I do it."

I continued to share with Bob that God had so clearly brought me here and that my place here, the time that I serve however long or short it may be, is completely up to Him;  "I will stay in this place untill He moves me."  Bob and I talked for a while after that and began to rehash some of the bad things I'd been through while at this job and reminisced over the good things and wonderful boys that have come and gone here since June, when he returned as campus minister.

This is what God has been saying to me last night, it came to me as I was driving home from work, "Love like quitting isn't an option, because chances are, someone else already gave up."  The boys that we serve here are unique in so many ways, to be truthful they're teenagers and are often inconsiderate and unkind.  With this in mind, they're also children who have been hurt and most of them have been neglected and uncared for since birth.  On several occassions I have been so frustrated that I couldn't help but look to the hills, where my help comes from, the Maker of heaven and earth.  At these times of frustration, it's difficult to see why God has me here . . . and then something will happen, it could be small or it could be big.  Last night it was a simple game of cards that I played with a boy I have had difficulties with in the past.  For him to be able to sit there and enjoy a game of rummy 500 with me was a huge step.

It's at times like these that God shows me, "See? This is why you're here, never give up, never back down.  For whom much has been given, much is required.  You have been so filled with love for these boys so that it can spill out onto them that need it the most."  The card game (that we played at the dining room table last night) reminded me of an old sunday school song I used to sing.  In my little impish six-year-old way I would toddle around the house in all my innocense singing, "He brought me to His banqueting table, His banner over me is love."  This sentiment brings tears to my eyes even now; I knew at a very young age that I was loved! Last night, I was sitting at a dining room table (perhaps not quite a banqueting table, but still) with a boy who allowed himself to be shown Christ's Love and couldn't help but be thankful.

God is amazing! He shows me in every day, through every situation and circumstance that He is in control.  I am so grateful that I don't have that position - I could definitely not fill the job description.

His banner over me is Love. :-)

H!

This morning around 10AM I was suddenly hit with some very difficult news.  I always marvel at the term "difficult news" . . . how is news difficult? Was it presented in a difficult manner? Was receiving it difficult? In this case, dealing with the information and how it makes me feel is difficult in that, I feel incredible torn. . .

On January 12, 2011 my friend Heather Lynn Parman was killed.  She was driving home from work and was hit by a driver who had reportedly closed his eyes (police speculate that he was asleep at the wheel.) . . .

Heather was joy incarnate; she was rarely without a smile, she was loud, she danced, I can still hear her yelling, "Christiaaaaaaaaaaaaaana Diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinkelmeyer!" She lived life so big and it was infectious - when you were around Heather you felt alive, like right here, in this moment, whatever you were doing was exactly what you were supposed to be doing.  She truly spread Jesus' unconditional love and His unbelievable joy to everyone she came in contact with.  "H!" as she was affectionately called was just that, an exclamation point in life.

I feel like this world just lost something massive. . . and I can't even begin to process how this void will effect all of those that loved her, which were many.

It's difficult news because on the other side of the coin, H! is with her Jesus, He called her home and now she can dance around wildly with Him aaaaand I'm sure that's the first thing she did.  Entered His gates, saw His face for the first time, and screamed, "HOLY COW! IT'S YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" and as she ran into His arms, she would say with certainty in her voice and honesty in her eyes, "I stinkin LOVE you!"  I know this because H! spoke with her soul and that is what she got to take with her to heaven, her soul, her beautiful, incredible, awe-inspiring soul.

My life has been so inspired by H.  We first met while I did my internship with YWAM in NY and she was one of the first to befriend me.  I knew I liked her right away and instantly wanted to become her friend; she just oooooooozed all things wonderful (mostly Jesus.)  Last year, she began to train for a race that she was sponsored for because of a friend who had become ill; she ran for that friend and faithfully trained.  This is who Heather was.


H! was silly HUGE button earings, bright colors, dancing, MxPx rocking, a runner, a humanitarian, a servant, a YWAMer, she loved dresses, a model, amazing with children, she had swag, loving, an intercessor, played dress-up, a make-up queen, and my hero.

Heather's last facebook status said: don't just pretend to love others...really love them

Love you H! . . . I miss you already with my heart.

A new year

Here we are in 2011! Wooohoooo! I honestly don't think I ever fathomed us being this far in the world.  I mean, that is, as a child I always thought that the return of Christ would be before I was in my 20's and now at 23, I am appreciative of the fact that truly no man knows the hour.

I spent my New Years Eve here at the ranch; as my final act as recreation coordinator, I planned a fun bowling trip for all 36 of our boys including pizza, party favors, snacks, and beverages (plus 3 hours of unlimited play.)  The night was filled with fun as each participating boy stepped up to take their turn at cosmic bowling (many of them had never played before!) There were of course its' highs and lows at the event but it was very retrospective as not only was it the last day of the year but it was my last night in this position.

We stayed up late to watch the ball drop and as it did, I could not help but think there is nowhere else in the world that I would want to be at this point in time but here, counting down the new year, with these boys that God has given me the honor of working with.  It's a very rare moment in my life to be able to realize that things are exactly how I want them, right there . . . it usually takes some hind-sight thinking to remember how good things were.  With this new year, God has blessed me with the opportunity of working here, living out my dream, making a difference (I hope) in these boys lives.  And to be truthful, last night, there was nowhere else in the world I wanted to be then right there, celebrating God's blessing of a new year with them.

When I first started working with the boys, our Program Director gave my training class a challenge; to weigh our decisions here on the balance of justice and mercy.  For me, it has been a scale that has teetered on the side of mercy more than justice more often than not.  Which has brought me to a revelation for my own life - how many times do I, in my own circumstances, prefer mercy to justice? Are they not equally important?

And so my friends, along with my new years resolutions of:
1)  Training at the dojo at least twice a week
2) Allowing myself to be open to the possibilities of falling in love

I now have a third:
3) No more excuses.

If I have to come up with a sentence to explain something that could be put quite simply, then perhaps I protest too much.  Perhaps in my life I could afford to be more rigid on certain areas.  God created me to be loving, caring, and gentle but perhaps I could add a bit more strength behind that and not allow myself to be the push-over.

I encourage you, in whatever paths you are taking towards this new year, that you embrace where you are now.  Let God be glorified in the now.  Happy and blessed 2011!