Burning Clean

The heart has always been a fascinating thing to me.  It is capable of so much, loving, holding on to things, hiding "The Word," stowing memories . . . ahhhhh yes, all of my favorite emotions come from the heart (or so our culture believes.)  It can also be troubling, as I have found it to be recently.

My heart is divided over so many things; past loves, belief, what is truly right for someone, where the right path is . . . etc.  As a somewhat covenant between God and myself I tattooed the scripture reference of Proverbs 4:23 which when translated reads, "above all else, guard your heart wherein lies the wellsprings of life."  I put this scripture under the word "muinin" which is the Irish-Gaelic word for trust, more accurately, an unconditional, Godly trust.  This word is above the scripture referenced, encircled by beautiful vines that form a circle; many cultures (including the irish one) believe that circles go on forever and when something is put inside a circle, it is safe and cannot be broken.

Symbolically, I put my heart and my trust in God inside this circle that cannot be broken - my heart, as long as it is God's cannot be broken, I trust Him with it.  Likewise, I trust God to guide me to the person to give my heart to.  I believe in this completely or else I would never have had it ingrained on my body.  My fear has always been to give my heart to the wrong person - as proof of this I have never fully given my heart to any one man.  I have, over the years, given pieces of my heart away.

When Heather died, her boyfriend Timmy said at her celebration service (somewhat of a memorial service) that there will forever be an H-shaped hole missing from his heart.  I feel that way too . . . I feel that there are many pieces missing from my heart that I have freely given away; none regretted but some more painful than others.

My favorite band (or at least, one of them) Stavesacre wrote a song called "burning clean" . . . the lyrics have haunted me for song long.  Beautifully written, Mark Solomon poetically paints a picture (the entire lyrics I will leave at the end of this post) that has stayed with me ever since my first listen.  Currently, the words, "What is true and what is real, past what you might feel what do you know eternally? And when this fleeting limelight fades and we're alone again, what name will your heart speak?" That last question, what name will your heart speak, has been ringing in my soul as of late.

You see, my heart is so easily swayed . . . my mind is so easily occupied . . . my thoughts can be distracted as quickly as someone with attention deficit disorder.  My job - my life with these boys at the ranch, my family, my past, my future, my friends, the grief of loss, my inner-most longings . . . all of these taking up space in the lodgings of my heart.  But at the end of the day, what name will my heart speak? My priorities with God are not good, He is not my total focus as I am so easily distracted - I know I have the best intentions (paving the road to hell excellently, if you ask Madonna.)

And so I challenge you, as I work out my own salvation with fear and trembling - when this fleeting limelight fades and we're alone again, what name will your heart speak?  Maybe it's not about feeling . . . maybe it's about dedication . . . about never giving up . . . about running a race with endurance . . . about reminding yourself . . . about refocusing . . . maybe love, as more than just a feeling, is intentional and practiced.

"When this fleeting limelight fades and we're alone again, what name will your heart speak?
What is true? What is real? Not what you feel, what you know eternally.

Ten years running blind and aimlessly,
Warming by the fires of bridges burning,
Ten thousand peering eyes that can only see the show, the smile, the face I allow.
How many more break beneath the surface?
Young and bold but blind and led by blind
His person missed beyond His name.
Was this hope when we began?
A tragic generation of faithless children and forgotten love?
I know I'd hoped for some other higher purpose.

What is true and what is real past what you might feel,
What do you know eternally?
And when this fleeting limelight fades and we're alone again
What name will your heart speak?

And if you see me on the way down would you smile and send me on my way?
And if you see me headed down is there something more between you and I?

Something higher, something higher,
I want to be real again,
I want You, Father, be real in me,
And if I see you on the way down,
I'll lift your name up, up into His care.
And if I see you headed down,
I'll do what I can to lift you up again.

Burn us clean, refine this world away,
Make Yourself real to me,
Make us to live as You would."

Every Season

. . . Still I notice You and how You make me new with every season's change . . .

. . . . And so it will be, as You are re-creating me; summer, autumn, winter, spring. . . .

Ok, so I have a confession, I love Nicole Nordeman. I bought her cd "Wide Eyed" as a a teenager and loved it! I kind of took a break from her untill her "Brave" cd came out.  When I was a teenager, a family friend (who I'm sure had the best of intentions) gave me one of those "WOW" cd's and it had one of her newer songs on it; the lyrics above are from her song Every Season.  Somewhere along the line I read an article about that song, Ms. Nordeman (who writes almost all of her own music) stated that she wrote this song in a very dark place, someone close to her had passed and she was having difficulty seeing God in anything as a result.  The song takes the listener throughout each season and how nature reflects on our lives, it's quite beautiful, but the song and the interview never really hit me untill today.

God is a great comforter and by His mercy I am healing . . . however, I still think of H every day . . . even when I'm not intentionally doing so.  When I'm running I push myself to go that extra quarter mile, inspired by the girl who against all odds made herself a runner to raise money and hope for a dying friend.  When I'm in worship a song will be played that Heather loved and I can't help but break down and cry.  In addition, I live on Long Island, which for the past three months or so has been a very cold, snowy place.  If you don't live in a snowy place you might romanticize it; yes, snow is beautiful, it's white, it makes things look clean and bright.  But the cold and the darkness of winter can creep in if you let it even to the crevices of your heart.

Yes, winter has been a difficult one, to loosely quote Ms. Nordeman,

"Everything in time and under heaven finally falls asleep,
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation shivers underneath,
And still I notice You when branches crack and in my breath on frosted grass,
Even now in death You open doors for life to enter, You are winter."

Heather died in winter . . . it seems so appropriate that she would.  Heather was the opposite of winter and so I think that it's some kind of poetic justice that we be allowed to grieve her death and look forward to being reunited as we mourn winter and look forward to spring.  And spring . . . I have hope because spring is coming. :-) I know that this is momentary, that with seasons come change, and I am thankful that my God has not forgotten me but brings the promise of a new day, the promise of a new season, and in this case the promise of spring . . .

"And everything that's new has bravely surfaced teaching us to breathe,
For what was frozen through is newly purposed, turning all things green,
So it is with You and how You make me new with every season's change,
And so it will be as You are recreating me; summer, autumn, winter, spring."

Spring, we are waiting with anticipation for the snow to melt away and for Your warm touch to cover our part of the earth again.