Burning Clean

The heart has always been a fascinating thing to me.  It is capable of so much, loving, holding on to things, hiding "The Word," stowing memories . . . ahhhhh yes, all of my favorite emotions come from the heart (or so our culture believes.)  It can also be troubling, as I have found it to be recently.

My heart is divided over so many things; past loves, belief, what is truly right for someone, where the right path is . . . etc.  As a somewhat covenant between God and myself I tattooed the scripture reference of Proverbs 4:23 which when translated reads, "above all else, guard your heart wherein lies the wellsprings of life."  I put this scripture under the word "muinin" which is the Irish-Gaelic word for trust, more accurately, an unconditional, Godly trust.  This word is above the scripture referenced, encircled by beautiful vines that form a circle; many cultures (including the irish one) believe that circles go on forever and when something is put inside a circle, it is safe and cannot be broken.

Symbolically, I put my heart and my trust in God inside this circle that cannot be broken - my heart, as long as it is God's cannot be broken, I trust Him with it.  Likewise, I trust God to guide me to the person to give my heart to.  I believe in this completely or else I would never have had it ingrained on my body.  My fear has always been to give my heart to the wrong person - as proof of this I have never fully given my heart to any one man.  I have, over the years, given pieces of my heart away.

When Heather died, her boyfriend Timmy said at her celebration service (somewhat of a memorial service) that there will forever be an H-shaped hole missing from his heart.  I feel that way too . . . I feel that there are many pieces missing from my heart that I have freely given away; none regretted but some more painful than others.

My favorite band (or at least, one of them) Stavesacre wrote a song called "burning clean" . . . the lyrics have haunted me for song long.  Beautifully written, Mark Solomon poetically paints a picture (the entire lyrics I will leave at the end of this post) that has stayed with me ever since my first listen.  Currently, the words, "What is true and what is real, past what you might feel what do you know eternally? And when this fleeting limelight fades and we're alone again, what name will your heart speak?" That last question, what name will your heart speak, has been ringing in my soul as of late.

You see, my heart is so easily swayed . . . my mind is so easily occupied . . . my thoughts can be distracted as quickly as someone with attention deficit disorder.  My job - my life with these boys at the ranch, my family, my past, my future, my friends, the grief of loss, my inner-most longings . . . all of these taking up space in the lodgings of my heart.  But at the end of the day, what name will my heart speak? My priorities with God are not good, He is not my total focus as I am so easily distracted - I know I have the best intentions (paving the road to hell excellently, if you ask Madonna.)

And so I challenge you, as I work out my own salvation with fear and trembling - when this fleeting limelight fades and we're alone again, what name will your heart speak?  Maybe it's not about feeling . . . maybe it's about dedication . . . about never giving up . . . about running a race with endurance . . . about reminding yourself . . . about refocusing . . . maybe love, as more than just a feeling, is intentional and practiced.

"When this fleeting limelight fades and we're alone again, what name will your heart speak?
What is true? What is real? Not what you feel, what you know eternally.

Ten years running blind and aimlessly,
Warming by the fires of bridges burning,
Ten thousand peering eyes that can only see the show, the smile, the face I allow.
How many more break beneath the surface?
Young and bold but blind and led by blind
His person missed beyond His name.
Was this hope when we began?
A tragic generation of faithless children and forgotten love?
I know I'd hoped for some other higher purpose.

What is true and what is real past what you might feel,
What do you know eternally?
And when this fleeting limelight fades and we're alone again
What name will your heart speak?

And if you see me on the way down would you smile and send me on my way?
And if you see me headed down is there something more between you and I?

Something higher, something higher,
I want to be real again,
I want You, Father, be real in me,
And if I see you on the way down,
I'll lift your name up, up into His care.
And if I see you headed down,
I'll do what I can to lift you up again.

Burn us clean, refine this world away,
Make Yourself real to me,
Make us to live as You would."