Failure - The Pit of Despair

Today's post brought to you by one of the most discouraging moments I have experienced yet at my job.  I am hoping that while writing this I will be able to share and learn from a teachable moment.  Let's start from the very beginning (a very good place to start, if you ask Julie Andrews.  Smile.)

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of doing something I rarely ever get to do anymore; spend some one-on-one time with one of my favorite kids.  I'm not sure when it happened but at some point I became friends with this boy, to the point where I no longer thought of him as, well, "just one of the boys" (of whom I take care of at my job.)  Smile.  Anyway, he asked to spend some time with me (how sweet is that?) and we set up a time.  We had a fabulous night! It's so rare that I can spend time with him and I relished every moment.  Each moment, except for, the ones that included him telling me something that made my stomach turn.  I will leave out the gory details but suffice it to say, I knew as soon as he told me this horrible fact (that he stated so cavalierly) that I needed to do or say something.

So I prayed about it all day today and finally came to terms with what I had to do.  The outcome now is haunting me; the several "what if's" or "this might happen" are flooding through my mind.  Many consequences may come out of this, some of them may effect him depending on which variation of "what if" one decides on.
My heart is saddened on two counts; 1) this child may be effected incredibly negatively 2) I have failed.

Failure - ugh.  I work in the capacity and ministry that I am in because of one thing; I believe that God has sent me here to make a difference in these boys lives.  After hearing the story that this child told me it made me question and severely doubt my ability to make a difference at all.  The main question being, "if a boy who has been under my care for several months now is capable of doing such a sick, evil thing, how am I making any difference at all?"  Questions flooded my mind, fear filled my heart, and sadness washed over my entire body like a wave during a catagory five hurricane.

I have failed in so many ways in my life.  Being somewhat of a perfectionist (yes, I just admitted that and now it is documented! Smile.) I do not accept failure as an option.  In school I would withdraw from a class if I felt that I couldn't pass it.  In life I will bend and twist and stretch to make sure that EVERYTHING works and all that I have committed to gets accomplished; with excellence.  Failure is not an option in my mind, it never has been.

But then . . . the quote from a very wise professor at Southeastern University, Dr. Gerry White, popped into my head just now (bless her!) While teaching my Biblical Hermeneutics class (by far, the most difficult class I have EVER taken!) she told the disheartened class, "The only failure in life is the failure to try."  I liked that so much I wrote it down, right then and there in that classroom,  and it is on my facebook as we speak. I have kept this quote in the forefront of my mind and I can say with confidence that my failure, by such standards, is not failure at all.

I'm so thankful for those that God has put in my life.  You see, my standard of failure is based on one theory alone; I am here to make a difference in these boys lives - if they behave this way what difference have I made at all? About ten minutes into writing this post I received a txt message from one of my boys and then about five minutes later a phone call from another boy, who used to be a resident here.  The txt message read something to the effect of, "you can help some and some you can't, it's okay, that's how life is, you can't change everyone's life."  Such wisdom from a 16 year old! And I'M supposed to mentoring HIM you say?

The phone call was super encouraging and came just at the right time; this boy continuously told me about how having me in his life has changed him.  Isn't it funny how God works? Just when you feel at your lowest, in "the pit of despair" as it were, He sends others to encourage you. 

So I want to encourage you, to learn from my blunders; if you feel that you have failed try and find what you can learn from the mistake and try to find the good.  It's sometimes helpful to share it with someone else that they may provide insight and maybe point out the good that you are blinded to.  Surely nothing in our life is wasted, no moment, no event, or account - it is all in the book of our lives so you may as well live the best story you can!

Thank you for reading along and learning with me, this one was super lengthy! Smile.

Our God Is Faithful

I am amazed at the faithfulness of our God.  His Love is unfailing and never-ending, His Patience endures, and each and every time I fall short, He is there to catch me. 


It seems that change is all around me - I read allot of books but it seems like the story of my own life is more eventful at times than the characters in the books.  Isn't that funny? To be living your own adventure.  To mention a few things, my mom and little brother are in Turkey for the next four weeks (they left two weeks ago,) one of my best and closest friends just moved to Manhattan, my two housemates will be moving out soon, my schedule at work is (hopefully and prayerfully) going to be changing to something more steadying for my life, and it seems that everyone I know is getting married.  :-)  Ah! So much! In the book of my life each would probably have a chapter and the previous sentence would be an index at best.  Amidst all of this, the anniversary of my grandmother's passing is coming up and she is at the forefront of most of my thoughts these days.

Through all of this, I am amazed at how steadying God is.  Sometimes the winds of life aren't always a storm that knocks you over, sometimes they just blow enough that you have to steady yourself.  I am so thankful for my God that is my steadying force - that He prevails throughout all of the changes. :-)

I have been taking some time for myself more frequently recently, mostly in response to all of the new changes in my life.  As in love as I am with my job, it is a ministry, and for those of us who have been there or are currently in ministry, you know what I mean - sometimes you just have to get away.  My pastors in Florida (Pastor Frank and Sheri Hawley for those of you blessed enough to know them) taught me when I was a part of their college ministry team that it was necessary to take some time away.  How can a vessel who is empty continue to give of itself? It can't.  So in accordance with that, I've been taking my days off and running with a vengeance - this means no phone calls from work (either job) or from students, no major plans made; these are my two days to just be.  Typically I go to the beach (my sanctuary) but this week I found myself in the most unthought of spots; cleaning my own house! . . . Yes, for those of you who know me, I can see your mouths gaping, and to quote Miss Mary Poppins, "Close your mouth Michael, we are not a cod fish."

Yes, I took my days to clean my home (which it really did need a very good, thorough cleaning.)  My schedule lately has not been profitable for me to do anything more in my home than some light work (empty/load the dishwasher,) remove my make-up, and collapse into bed.  It was probably in the moment of me scrubbing my tub that I remembered yet another lesson taught by the great Pastors Frank and Sheri - whether you're scrubbing a toilet or preaching from the pulpit, you're doing ministry and consider it as such.  Have I mentioned how thankful I am for those two? I am so. :-)

So there I am, elbow-deep in scrubbing bubbles, enjoying myself thoroughly - I'm sorry, but I just couldn't help but laugh! My Creator, who knows my inner-most parts, knew what I needed in that moment.  It's crazy because I spend an endless amount of time telling Him what I want and asking for what I would like to happen . . . and He knows.  I can't help but smile even now as I write this, that my God is that intimate, that He can share a laugh with me, like a friend, over my own silliness. 

More on His Faithfulness to come.  Find your own funny-bone with God today, it really does make life so much more enjoyable.

Challenged

So, I'd like this post to be an outlet for me to be completely honest.  I have been seriously slipping in my devotional life the past few months (yes, months, I'm sad to say!) I know, all of my loving Christian friends out there will come back with the re-assuring, "it's easy to do!" but the fact of the matter is, no matter what light you paint it in . . . I've been wrong.

The Bible says that the world will know that we are Christ's followers by our love; it also mentions us bearing Christ's fruit.  Let me just say, that the past few weeks or so, I have not been holding up my end of that bargain.  I've been easily irritable, frustrated, lacking in patience, and just tired in general.  It took me to get to this point to realize that of course I'm feeling this way, when I've allowed my compass to shift.

At work, things have been super challenging.  I have been disappointed by the behaviors that I see on a daily basis and it's disheartening; I can't help but think that my own attitudes are simply not helping.  So what does one do when things get to this point? Aside from ask for forgiveness and commit to bringing back the focus of Christ on a daily basis.

It's summer here and summer on Long Island means hot, humid, and often just muggy.  In summer time, it's so easy for me to remember to drink lots of water because, well, it's hot! It's in the cooler months of winter that I find myself slipping because, well, it's cold and water just doesn't seem like such a necessity - after all, cold doesn't make me sweat.  In the same way, I have found that when things are relaxed and going well around me, it is easy for me to forget to drink the water of Life.  It's only when things get hectic and seemingly out of control that I am reminded of what an idiot I am to allow this pattern to develop.

So I encourage you my friends, learn from my mistakes! Don't allow that one morning that you decide to delay your devotions  because you're already running late to happen.  It's that one morning that starts a trend, it makes a statement, that it's ok to put it aside because hey, we have human needs that need to be met RIGHT NOW.  Right? Wrong.  Please take a note from the scribbled out, crumpled up, taped-back-together page of my life that is right now and see what God has for you in those running-late mornings - I bet it's amazing and totally worth the time.  You would also be wise to set your alarm clocks for earlier (I am still learning this lesson myself.)

Untill then, drink up!