Anguish

Warning:  this post might be a little heavier than what you're used to from me.  If you're looking for something light-hearted or frilly, I suggested reading a different post, that's just not where my soul is this morning.

God indeed orders our day.  My day started around 2AM, when the fitful dreams began - dreams of the uncertain future of one of the boys that I work with.  I've been with this particular boy since the beginning and in that time he has had some very low lows and some very high highs but as of late, his desire to remain at the place where I work (which at this point is partially his decision) is simply not there.  He blows off the rules and works the program however he pleases . . . oh the sorrow that fills my heart when I think about the boy who returned to the place after some time away (he had run away) and the sincerity in his eyes and voice when he looked into mine and stated that he truly wanted to be here.  I remember that moment fondly and I still remember the feeling in my heart that plead with God for him to be able to stay, to be given another chance, after he had already been given so many.

The powers that be decided that the boy could stay and for a little while he was a model resident; he worked the program, he was a leader, and more than that, he was chasing after God.  Over the past few months he has been slipping and it has been addressed.  Now he is in a place, once again, where a decision will be made regarding his placement with us and it is my understanding that the answer will most likely be against staying.  I'm not sure that he even wants to be here at this point. 

Here is where my dreams began, while in my sleep crying out to God and asking what His will would be and stating what mine was (as if He didn't know.)  This journey continued far past my alarm clock waking me and the intercession continued (isn't that amazing by the way? How intercession can happen even in your sleep? The prayer without ceasing? Spirit to spirit?) to the shower where I asked that God would move on this boy's heart, that His truth would prevail.  I began to speak over the child's life and was given the impression that I needed to spiritually fight for this boy's future with a certainty and assurance that I was not to give up on him. 

As soon as I got to work I logged on to my facebook and (this is funny how God works) I noticed status update after status update of friends of mine with David Wilkerson quotes.  One update noted that Reverend Wilkerson died last night.  Another update had a short message of his on the subject of anguish.  I will try and post this if I can in this blog - the message resonated so deep within me.  Anguish was indeed the feeling that I had - it went beyond concern, to the point where I felt that I needed to pray and continue to pray for the life of this young man who has such potential and such a calling.  Anguish - a moving of the soul, an unrest within, it goes beyond a desire to help or assist or a need for change . . . the vibrato of anguish resides in my heart and reminds me, should I dare to be distracted, of the intensity and urgency of the matter.

I share this with you today and ask that if God has placed this on your heart, in your life . . . it's ok.  So many times we look for the easy answer to make ourselves feel better but often times there is no answer (and rarely is it ever easy.)  God has placed this feeling inside of you for a reason - continue to pray without ceasing and see what God will do! I encourage you to watch the video below, it's approximately 8 minutes long, but the heart of David Wilkerson is so profoundly shared in the clip and I really believe that everyone will benefit from a quick listen.  And . . . if you feel so moved, pray for this young man's life with me, for God to break his heart, for him to realize and choose what is true and righteous, and for God to shake him and be clear allowing no confusion or misinterpretation.  All in accordance with God's will and not with what may be my will.

Till next time.  Here's the video. . .

Consistency

Consistency; a word that we use at work almost on a daily basis, "Be consistent, staff to staff, day to day, be consistent."  Oh the mantra that goes through my head as I work in the houses, to remain consistent.  Recently, I have been thinking about how this leaks into the rest of my life.

Case and point, at work, we all have to follow the daily schedules posted for the boys routine to become, well, routine.  If one of us allows "leniency" or decides that the schedule doesn't need to be followed that day for whatever reason, it becomes a habit and then the boys are upset when another staff member enforces the schedule in full (usually, enforcing bedtime.)  This follows into medication procedures, the exact rules we all need to follow, and not taking shortcuts.

Yes, consistency in the work-place is a must.  When I was a student at Southeastern University my studies were, well, inconsistent at best.  The classes I naturally excelled at I would get an A with little to no effort, whereas a subject that I struggled in (Math, Science) I would put every effort into getting a good grade.  I would sign myself up for study groups, tutors, go to the learning center, etc.  Still, after all that hard work, the best grade I could get in a Math course was usually a B . . . and I killed myself for that B.

As a result, my GPA would suffer and I had a difficult time accepting that sometimes, my best wasn't a 4.0.  It was soon after college that I learned the lesson that God doesn't expect perfection, He expects our utmost, our best, and even our version of perfection is nothing compared to His Completeness.  Complete in Him.  My grandmother used to sing a song to that effect, to which I unfortunately only remember a very little bit, but her voice rings through my head to this day with the words of, "Complete, complete, complete in Him, we are complete in Him."

Sometimes consistency in a group dynamic, akin to the one I have in the work place, is a very daunting task.  I am accountable to my actions and all I can do is try my best to encourage my coworkers to do the same - however, today I had the revelation that perhaps this might not be a, not by might, nor by power, but by His Spirit thing.  It's not true that all I can do is encourage, I can pray, pray that God would make us one, that we would be guided by His Spirit, that we could provide consistency, love, and care the way that He would.  That His Unity would bind us and clear up any confusion.

See consistency is a difficult task as we are all different and we are all constantly changing.  However, if it is in Him we live and move and have our being, than together, His consistency will shine through. 

God, grant me the serenity

Change, it's everywhere.  Some are afraid of it, some struggle to accept it, quite often we don't even realize it's happening untill we reflect.  I've never really thought of change as a bad thing per-say.  In fact, I typically thrive on new elements being brought into my life, perhaps because I get bored easily and need fresh things all the time! How glad am I that our Creator is never changing but knows me so well that He allows change to happen in my life.

This, however, was not a change I felt I was ready for.  Perhaps I'm most thrown off by my inability to adapt; I fancy myself a fairly flexible person, roll with the punches, etc.  So in this I am most confused.  Yesterday I was working . . . wait, no, let's back-track a bit.

I was in California on a week's vacation with my friend Amy.  It was wonderful! California was beautiful! I had a very lovely, relaxing time, wine-tasting, sitting in the (mostly) sunshine, spending time with Amy and her awesome dog Sienna who, although I don't usually like dogs, I LOVE! Towards the end of my trip I found myself missing my boys, to which I was not very surprised.  While I NEEDED a vacation DESPERATELY I am also very attached to my kids.

So I returned and worked my first real shifts this past week (I worked some last weekend actually, straight off the plane, but this was my first full week back.)  While working on Thursday I was visited by some of my boys that no longer live in the houses I work in, they live in an independent house now and so my opportunities to see them are very limited.  So, when they visited my house on Thursday I was thrilled! I remember thinking as I was chatting with them just before they left how blessed by God I felt to have these two boys in my life - one who we'll call George (name changed for protection) who has scheduled a court date to leave very soon; very sudden and unexpected and I wasn't ready for.  But that's getting ahead of myself isn't it? Where was I? Oh yes, blessed by God to have "George" and the other we'll call Frank (name changed for protection) in my life and to be able to spend a few minutes chatting with them.

These two boys have both come so far and to say that they're two of my favorites is a major under-statement.  Their little faces are pure sunshine and their cute little texts brighten my day on any given day, these boys are a reminder to me of why I am in this business, why I don't quite after all the abuse and cursing out and furniture being thrown at me.  I love these two with my whole heart.

In true fashion, I came into work on Saturday, only one whole day gone by since I had seen these two gems, when one of my other boys mentioned that "Frank" had left yesterday, just signed himself out, he couldn't take it anymore.  This boy is well within his right to do so, he's a private placement and only here on his own accord.  However, this is not in this child's character and I was disturbed to hear this news for multiple reasons:  he hasn't finished the school year yet, he hadn't even said goodbye, I had no indication that he was unhappy, where would he go to school? How well would he be cared for? And really, when would I get to see him ever? His family lives very far away. . . my heart was crushed.

I immediately texted "Frank" and asked him if he'd left to which he replied, not yet, but soon.  He came and spent the rest of the afternoon with me at the house I was working in along with "George" and the entire day was melancholly.  Saying goodbye to him was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do, my heart is broken, another favorite child is gone, and I feel like he took a large piece of my heart with him so very far away.

So this is what I'm having a hard time accepting.  It's difficult for me because I love these boys (most of them, to be truthful, anyway) with my whole heart.  So when something happens to them or they leave, my heart is broken.  They say, "just develop thicker skin" but unfortunately, I can't do that without disconnecting completely and no longer caring about them.  I either am ALL IN or not at all.  :-( Anyway, this is currently where I am, seeking God in my brokeness and sorrow, seeking for guidance, for assistance, for the answer on how to cope in a business where these children are in and out of your life within the blink of an eye.  How do you love so deeply someone and be expected to say goodbye instantly?

Only Jesus truly knows my heart and I am sure in Him there is a way.  I know that my heart and head won't rest untill I have weighed all the possibilities, because all I can do right now is torture my weary self with, "What could I have done to help? What could I have said, whom could I have spoken to, that could have changed this child's mind? How could I have made his problems smaller? Made his condition better? How, why, what . . . "