Anguish

Warning:  this post might be a little heavier than what you're used to from me.  If you're looking for something light-hearted or frilly, I suggested reading a different post, that's just not where my soul is this morning.

God indeed orders our day.  My day started around 2AM, when the fitful dreams began - dreams of the uncertain future of one of the boys that I work with.  I've been with this particular boy since the beginning and in that time he has had some very low lows and some very high highs but as of late, his desire to remain at the place where I work (which at this point is partially his decision) is simply not there.  He blows off the rules and works the program however he pleases . . . oh the sorrow that fills my heart when I think about the boy who returned to the place after some time away (he had run away) and the sincerity in his eyes and voice when he looked into mine and stated that he truly wanted to be here.  I remember that moment fondly and I still remember the feeling in my heart that plead with God for him to be able to stay, to be given another chance, after he had already been given so many.

The powers that be decided that the boy could stay and for a little while he was a model resident; he worked the program, he was a leader, and more than that, he was chasing after God.  Over the past few months he has been slipping and it has been addressed.  Now he is in a place, once again, where a decision will be made regarding his placement with us and it is my understanding that the answer will most likely be against staying.  I'm not sure that he even wants to be here at this point. 

Here is where my dreams began, while in my sleep crying out to God and asking what His will would be and stating what mine was (as if He didn't know.)  This journey continued far past my alarm clock waking me and the intercession continued (isn't that amazing by the way? How intercession can happen even in your sleep? The prayer without ceasing? Spirit to spirit?) to the shower where I asked that God would move on this boy's heart, that His truth would prevail.  I began to speak over the child's life and was given the impression that I needed to spiritually fight for this boy's future with a certainty and assurance that I was not to give up on him. 

As soon as I got to work I logged on to my facebook and (this is funny how God works) I noticed status update after status update of friends of mine with David Wilkerson quotes.  One update noted that Reverend Wilkerson died last night.  Another update had a short message of his on the subject of anguish.  I will try and post this if I can in this blog - the message resonated so deep within me.  Anguish was indeed the feeling that I had - it went beyond concern, to the point where I felt that I needed to pray and continue to pray for the life of this young man who has such potential and such a calling.  Anguish - a moving of the soul, an unrest within, it goes beyond a desire to help or assist or a need for change . . . the vibrato of anguish resides in my heart and reminds me, should I dare to be distracted, of the intensity and urgency of the matter.

I share this with you today and ask that if God has placed this on your heart, in your life . . . it's ok.  So many times we look for the easy answer to make ourselves feel better but often times there is no answer (and rarely is it ever easy.)  God has placed this feeling inside of you for a reason - continue to pray without ceasing and see what God will do! I encourage you to watch the video below, it's approximately 8 minutes long, but the heart of David Wilkerson is so profoundly shared in the clip and I really believe that everyone will benefit from a quick listen.  And . . . if you feel so moved, pray for this young man's life with me, for God to break his heart, for him to realize and choose what is true and righteous, and for God to shake him and be clear allowing no confusion or misinterpretation.  All in accordance with God's will and not with what may be my will.

Till next time.  Here's the video. . .