Change, it's everywhere. Some are afraid of it, some struggle to accept it, quite often we don't even realize it's happening untill we reflect. I've never really thought of change as a bad thing per-say. In fact, I typically thrive on new elements being brought into my life, perhaps because I get bored easily and need fresh things all the time! How glad am I that our Creator is never changing but knows me so well that He allows change to happen in my life.
This, however, was not a change I felt I was ready for. Perhaps I'm most thrown off by my inability to adapt; I fancy myself a fairly flexible person, roll with the punches, etc. So in this I am most confused. Yesterday I was working . . . wait, no, let's back-track a bit.
I was in California on a week's vacation with my friend Amy. It was wonderful! California was beautiful! I had a very lovely, relaxing time, wine-tasting, sitting in the (mostly) sunshine, spending time with Amy and her awesome dog Sienna who, although I don't usually like dogs, I LOVE! Towards the end of my trip I found myself missing my boys, to which I was not very surprised. While I NEEDED a vacation DESPERATELY I am also very attached to my kids.
So I returned and worked my first real shifts this past week (I worked some last weekend actually, straight off the plane, but this was my first full week back.) While working on Thursday I was visited by some of my boys that no longer live in the houses I work in, they live in an independent house now and so my opportunities to see them are very limited. So, when they visited my house on Thursday I was thrilled! I remember thinking as I was chatting with them just before they left how blessed by God I felt to have these two boys in my life - one who we'll call George (name changed for protection) who has scheduled a court date to leave very soon; very sudden and unexpected and I wasn't ready for. But that's getting ahead of myself isn't it? Where was I? Oh yes, blessed by God to have "George" and the other we'll call Frank (name changed for protection) in my life and to be able to spend a few minutes chatting with them.
These two boys have both come so far and to say that they're two of my favorites is a major under-statement. Their little faces are pure sunshine and their cute little texts brighten my day on any given day, these boys are a reminder to me of why I am in this business, why I don't quite after all the abuse and cursing out and furniture being thrown at me. I love these two with my whole heart.
In true fashion, I came into work on Saturday, only one whole day gone by since I had seen these two gems, when one of my other boys mentioned that "Frank" had left yesterday, just signed himself out, he couldn't take it anymore. This boy is well within his right to do so, he's a private placement and only here on his own accord. However, this is not in this child's character and I was disturbed to hear this news for multiple reasons: he hasn't finished the school year yet, he hadn't even said goodbye, I had no indication that he was unhappy, where would he go to school? How well would he be cared for? And really, when would I get to see him ever? His family lives very far away. . . my heart was crushed.
I immediately texted "Frank" and asked him if he'd left to which he replied, not yet, but soon. He came and spent the rest of the afternoon with me at the house I was working in along with "George" and the entire day was melancholly. Saying goodbye to him was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do, my heart is broken, another favorite child is gone, and I feel like he took a large piece of my heart with him so very far away.
So this is what I'm having a hard time accepting. It's difficult for me because I love these boys (most of them, to be truthful, anyway) with my whole heart. So when something happens to them or they leave, my heart is broken. They say, "just develop thicker skin" but unfortunately, I can't do that without disconnecting completely and no longer caring about them. I either am ALL IN or not at all. :-( Anyway, this is currently where I am, seeking God in my brokeness and sorrow, seeking for guidance, for assistance, for the answer on how to cope in a business where these children are in and out of your life within the blink of an eye. How do you love so deeply someone and be expected to say goodbye instantly?
Only Jesus truly knows my heart and I am sure in Him there is a way. I know that my heart and head won't rest untill I have weighed all the possibilities, because all I can do right now is torture my weary self with, "What could I have done to help? What could I have said, whom could I have spoken to, that could have changed this child's mind? How could I have made his problems smaller? Made his condition better? How, why, what . . . "
Loving life, dedicated to Christ, newlywed, foodie, social worker, and so much more! I write about the things that spice up life.
I understand, I really do. More than you can ever know. Maybe someday I'll get to tell you the whole story, but I have come to love someone so deeply in the past year, that they feel like my own flesh and blood little brother. I had taken a lot of responsibility on myself for his well being and his problems. I don't think its necessarily wrong for you and I to feel that way, because it shows the love bonds that we are capable of through God. However, no human being can sustain that kind of responsibility forever. We will be crushed. God had to show me recently how to release that responsibility and just love. He showed me that He has been holding my brother in His hands since before He was born. He's holding "Frank" too, and He's the best one for the job. Jesus is the only one who understands how you feel...but that is comforting to me...He does know how you feel, and even more so. Love you!
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