Sundown Motel

"I want you to look me in the eye and tell me if we stay here we won't die,
They'll say we love the darkness
But I'll say we hate their half light
Can you look me in the eye?"

Recently I have been reading a book by Mark Solomon, front man and lead singer of Stavesacre - one of my favorite bands.  The book has ministered to me in many ways, the message of simplicity in a society that seems to preferably complicate things, and the basics of faith followed as opposed to dogma and doctrine prescribed by man tug on my heart strings. 

The book brings back many memories, some good, some not so good. I discovered Stavesacre through my brother and it wasn't long before their cds were played in our church youth group's van.  God really has used this band in amazing ways in our lives.  It wasn't soon after those youth group years that our family was ripped apart and the battles of church hurt ensued.

But anyway.  The message in the above posted lyrics have really been on my mind lately; you see, I used to stand so firmly as the one who was accused of "loving darkness" but in turn hated the "half light" of my accusers.  My application of this song has been different as of late as I am more and more putting my own heart and motives under the microscope - am I guilty of shining a half light?

I took the boys shopping last night for back-to-school and for a few of them it was really my last chance at spending time with them before their discharge dates (only a few short weeks away.)  In these rare times where I have the opportunity to spend time with them in small groups (as opposed to the norm of dozens of them being around me at once) I try and take advantage of the time by talking to them about whatever it is that's really on their mind past the surface.  It is at times like these that I am most amazed by their strength, courage, and the extreme calling of God on their lives.

It is an honor and a privilege to have the opportunity to work with these boys who come from various locations but many with identical backgrounds.  Similar stories of the mean streets, gang life, drug abuse, and the day-to-day fight for survival in the ghetto - this all used to be things that I only saw in movies or read about in books.  Now that I've had time to spend with these boys, to see their tender hearts, to know their lives and their goals, it is hard to see them go home and possibly back into the same circumstances they were in upon their arrival here.

Getting back to my point, it is more and more apparent to me that my own walk with God, my longing to be more dedicated and less flakey in my devotion time . . . no, to live a life devoted to Him, is failing at times.  I know from experience that it is almost impossible to minister to someone when your own spiritual well is dry.  It seems that recently my fight for displaying a different kind of Christian to them, one that doesn't judge, one that accepts and loves honestly, one that can still be in society and not preach from a soap box the impending doom of a generation - this fight has somehow taken place of my personal walk with God.  Although the campaign is still such a big part of what I am, to be real, to be honest, to be authentic . . . it is my creed but it is not my make-up.  My make-up is that of someone still searching for a God and without the time put aside to refresh the rapid waters, I have nothing to give back.

With this said, this somewhat revelation of my intense need for time with God, I am reminded again of the same song from the band that has so inspired me.  These words ringing true in my heart . . .

"I watch you bend beneath the waves,
And it seems heavier these days,
Each time I see you force a smile my heart just breaks,
To see you bend beneath the waves.

I don't believe this is what God ever intended,
I think it's time to go,
The sun is going down I say we follow it out of town,
We've been here for far too long (but will they know we're gone?)
And in the morning when it rises maybe it will shine for us.

You and me against the world (No I don't mind)
I've been feeling so low,
The sleep walkers or the girl, I've made up my mind,
I've been feeling so low, so low

I want you to look me in the eye and tell me if we stay here we won't die,
They'll say we love the darkness
But I'll say we hate their half light
Can you look me in the eye?

The sun is going down, let's follow it out of town
It will shine on us tomorrow when it comes back around."