Love me or leave me alone

This post inspired by a dear friend from my days at college.  I will never cease to be amazed by how God works and weaves people so intricately.  While milling through the random facebook status' I saw a update from this particular friend (Andre Henry, if you don't know him, you're missing out) with a link to one of his new songs. (click the link, download the song, tell others about it - this is what art is:  http://andrehenrymusic.bandcamp.com/track/love-me-or-leave-me-alone?autoplay=true

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I digress.  If you know me you know that my mind bounces between two topics at all times; Jesus and love.  The two are typically intertwined (in fact I'm not sure I can think of them separately anymore.)  At the ripe old age of 24, reflecting on love is different than it ever has been before.  Looking at relationships, examining, disecting (tragically,)  and ultimately covering them in prayer has become commonplace.  I use the word "relationships" allot but in this particular avenue I mean romantic relationships and for this one post, I will be as honest as I can with you . . . ready?

In the past I have been rather callous about romantic love - in any other facet of life I love freely and unconditionally but when it comes to the kind of love you offer someone you're seriously dating, I'm guarded.  I believe it's a culmination of my history with men (which I have never completely let my walls down with any one man) and the fact that I really only want to give my heart entirely to one human person; the one I marry.

With this sentiment in mind, dating becomes a jungle-gym of obstacles.  I believe in dating, I think it's an important component in figuring out what you want in the person you're going to spend forever with.  This list is edited daily in my mind as both incredibly Godly examples are conveyed and some really horrible examples present themselves, "Yes, I definitely want that trait in my man!" or "Lord, please don't let my future spouse ever even consider such things!"  So on this playground of feelings, emotions, and covenants made long ago between me and my Creator - where do I stand?

The song above states it the best, love me or leave me alone.  At this particular juncture in my life I'm not even sure that it's healthy to entertain anything less.  Please note:  this is not a declaration that I have found anyone that I want to share such serious feelings with but a brief moment where I am comfortable being as a honest as I can about the topic.  For this once I have allowed my heart to speak without my head intervening or editing because my head lives in the land of, "you're 24, have fun while you can like everyone says you should, because marriage is forever."  My gut lies somewhere inbetween the two - between wanting forever with someone now and realizing I may not be ready for that, between wanting to be loved and wanting to be left alone and learning to accept being torn between the two.  I have lived the lyrics of this song in the past - I used to know exactly what I wanted and now I'm not so sure, there I said it . . . and so, the journey continues.