Failure - The Pit of Despair

Today's post brought to you by one of the most discouraging moments I have experienced yet at my job.  I am hoping that while writing this I will be able to share and learn from a teachable moment.  Let's start from the very beginning (a very good place to start, if you ask Julie Andrews.  Smile.)

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of doing something I rarely ever get to do anymore; spend some one-on-one time with one of my favorite kids.  I'm not sure when it happened but at some point I became friends with this boy, to the point where I no longer thought of him as, well, "just one of the boys" (of whom I take care of at my job.)  Smile.  Anyway, he asked to spend some time with me (how sweet is that?) and we set up a time.  We had a fabulous night! It's so rare that I can spend time with him and I relished every moment.  Each moment, except for, the ones that included him telling me something that made my stomach turn.  I will leave out the gory details but suffice it to say, I knew as soon as he told me this horrible fact (that he stated so cavalierly) that I needed to do or say something.

So I prayed about it all day today and finally came to terms with what I had to do.  The outcome now is haunting me; the several "what if's" or "this might happen" are flooding through my mind.  Many consequences may come out of this, some of them may effect him depending on which variation of "what if" one decides on.
My heart is saddened on two counts; 1) this child may be effected incredibly negatively 2) I have failed.

Failure - ugh.  I work in the capacity and ministry that I am in because of one thing; I believe that God has sent me here to make a difference in these boys lives.  After hearing the story that this child told me it made me question and severely doubt my ability to make a difference at all.  The main question being, "if a boy who has been under my care for several months now is capable of doing such a sick, evil thing, how am I making any difference at all?"  Questions flooded my mind, fear filled my heart, and sadness washed over my entire body like a wave during a catagory five hurricane.

I have failed in so many ways in my life.  Being somewhat of a perfectionist (yes, I just admitted that and now it is documented! Smile.) I do not accept failure as an option.  In school I would withdraw from a class if I felt that I couldn't pass it.  In life I will bend and twist and stretch to make sure that EVERYTHING works and all that I have committed to gets accomplished; with excellence.  Failure is not an option in my mind, it never has been.

But then . . . the quote from a very wise professor at Southeastern University, Dr. Gerry White, popped into my head just now (bless her!) While teaching my Biblical Hermeneutics class (by far, the most difficult class I have EVER taken!) she told the disheartened class, "The only failure in life is the failure to try."  I liked that so much I wrote it down, right then and there in that classroom,  and it is on my facebook as we speak. I have kept this quote in the forefront of my mind and I can say with confidence that my failure, by such standards, is not failure at all.

I'm so thankful for those that God has put in my life.  You see, my standard of failure is based on one theory alone; I am here to make a difference in these boys lives - if they behave this way what difference have I made at all? About ten minutes into writing this post I received a txt message from one of my boys and then about five minutes later a phone call from another boy, who used to be a resident here.  The txt message read something to the effect of, "you can help some and some you can't, it's okay, that's how life is, you can't change everyone's life."  Such wisdom from a 16 year old! And I'M supposed to mentoring HIM you say?

The phone call was super encouraging and came just at the right time; this boy continuously told me about how having me in his life has changed him.  Isn't it funny how God works? Just when you feel at your lowest, in "the pit of despair" as it were, He sends others to encourage you. 

So I want to encourage you, to learn from my blunders; if you feel that you have failed try and find what you can learn from the mistake and try to find the good.  It's sometimes helpful to share it with someone else that they may provide insight and maybe point out the good that you are blinded to.  Surely nothing in our life is wasted, no moment, no event, or account - it is all in the book of our lives so you may as well live the best story you can!

Thank you for reading along and learning with me, this one was super lengthy! Smile.